The Green Monster Inside Me

"I'm crying out for help, absolutely drowning and NO ONE will help me."     

Actual thoughts in my head that have turned into real words that I chose to actually speak out loud to my husband. 

Actual things he had done for me so far that day? Twenty billion and counting. 

- Woke the teenagers for school? Check.

- Combed bedhead full of tangles and snarls for our teenage foster love? Check.

- Took dogs out and cleaned up overnight messes that didn't wait for the backyard? Check.

- Let me sleep in and hide from all responsibilities for three extra hours because the day before had tried to kill me? Check.

Poor pitiful me couldn't see any of that blinded by white-hot rage that twisted and jumbled my insides. I was being spat on and dodging fists of fury for the third time since he had left for work.

He got to leave for work. 

He got to help people and get a polite thank you. 

He got adult conversation and space to breathe and hear his own thoughts without the chorus of rage and trauma playing as the constant soundtrack of his life. 

Frustration bubbled up within me and came out in tense words, short on patience, that built a wall between us. When he tried to express how much my words hurt and how unfair it was to him and the big girls who were desperately trying to help, I simply hung up. How could he not see how hurt I was? I was drowning. I needed him. Our conversations for the rest of the day were dry and all business. None of the usual warmth, comfort, and solace. My wall wouldn't allow it. 

Later, when he got home for the day, I abandoned ship and ran away. I brushed past him, still hurt and angry. With a quick, "Your turn, peace out," I was gone. I left the messy house that needed to be picked back up after a full day of living, the dinner that needed cooking, the kids that needed shuttling, and the raging child all in his lap. I went for a walk and found a picnic table to sit and spend time in the Word. My extra three hours in bed hiding had left no time for soaking in the life-sustaining words that keep my head above water. 

I was transported from sunny park-side bench to the land of Cannon. I walked a familiar path in Genesis 37 with Joseph, the favored son of Israel, as he tattled and bragged his way into a pit. As I sought for a way to connect to Joseph and his story verse 18 jumped out at me. 

" and when they (Joseph's brothers) saw him from a distance, even before he came close to them, they plotted to kill him. "

Turns out I had a lot more in common with his bitter and jealous brothers than I did with the favored son.

You see, Joseph's brothers were willing to kill him, as in commit actual murder, because they were jealous of his status as the 'favorite' son. Fueled, no doubt, by his tattle tale tendencies, the flaunting of his special colorful coat, and incessantly bringing up dreams that spoke of his superiority. 

The anger burning hot in my belly wasn't just frustration. It was jealousy that churned my innards. Jealously that blinded me to all that was being done for me. Rest assured I didn't have the excuse of a bragging, boastful, favored husband tattling on me. I had just the opposite. A sweet man who was trying his best to do any and everything he could to help me. Despite the fact, helpmeet is in my job description, not his. 

I failed to see my husband's sacrificial actions that aided me. I certainly didn't see how he rushed through tasks and failed to work as hard as he wanted and needed to in other areas just so he could come to my rescue as fast as he possibly could. 

All I saw was what he had. 

What I wanted. 

What I couldn't have. 

 I may not have been looking to kill my husband, but if allowed to grow, the jealousy certainly has the power to kill our beautiful marriage. My walk home was lighter and my apology crumbled the awful wall between us that strangled the beauty and love and hope between us. So thankful for Jesus who covers my sins, and a husband who forgives me for acting like a jealous, and very foolish, spoiled brat.

What wall do you need to demolish today? What wall are you building to protect your heart that has a foundation of jealousy? Don't let what isn't destroy what is. 

I was jealous of alone time and freedom to do things outside of this house that look more important or more valuable, but the truth is, there is nothing I could do that matters more than what I do here. I could go and do anything I want with my life, but this, this is what I chose. What I still choose. No regrets. 

Lord forgive my heart of the jealousy. Help me to stifle it. To put it away completely. So anger and rage don't consume me and destroy the beauty you surround me with every day. 

Battle Worn & Weary

Once, after opening up and sharing some of my inner struggles, a friend told me I needed to put my kids in school and go get a real job already.

A seed was planted.

I let what God says about me get lost under this perception of how people see me. I know what God has called me to and that it makes me look like an absolute nut job, and I'm predominately ok with that, so long as I keep my crazy mostly tucked in and out of sight. Hiding so that others don’t see how I look.

The last time I read through Job God spoke to me, He opened my eyes to the fact that He speaks through the storms in our lives. I've been going through some pretty intense storms for the last couple of years. I mean, to be honest, foster care is one giant hurricane to begin with, and the last few years have been especially brutal. My family has struggled with placements, struggled with communicating effectively with the team members assigned to supporting our family and our kiddos, struggled to navigate the trauma of loving kids from trauma and all the yuck it dredges up within us. I've seen my name written in files, and on forms, I never expected to receive. Allegations. Failed placements. The understanding my home now has a dark mark on our file and we aren't exactly the best option for kids who need us. Just barely acceptable for the ones that find their way here. Lies roar in my mind seeking to destroy and devour the plan God has for me. I’ve been earnestly seeking to hear God amid all these storms. To really hear what He has for me. To learn and to grow. 

I revisited this passage for the first time in a while. God's instructions to Job to ‘gird up his loins’ really jumped out at me. To gird one's loins commonly means to prepare oneself for something difficult or challenging, which totally fits and applies, but God took me even deeper this morning. Literally, it means to wrap a belt around your waist so your clothes don't flop around and fall down. Hard stop. Wouldn't you know, there happens to be a belt in the spiritual armor God instructs us to put on each day. 

“Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist.” 

In the storms of life, God reminds me to put my belt on. 

I need the truth of who God is and who I am not. So I don't flop around in the storm and look a fool with my pants down around my ankles. 

I've been flopping,

 insecure, 

disheveled, 

embarrassed, 

fallen on my face. 

A hot mess. 

I've not been secure in truth.

 No more. 

I will stand strong and secure in who God is. Who God has called me to be. No more flopping around in this raging storm called life. 

I don’t have to hide because of the opinions of others. 

God has called me to do things a little differently and that is ok. 

I will stand secure in the truth of who He is. 

I don’t have to have it all together. 

I don’t have to hide under a facade of humility. 

He already has me. 

I just need to keep showing up each morning and put my dang belt on. 

If you feel a little tattered this morning because you’re flopping in the stormy wind, 

ragged and torn, 

here is a life raft. 

It doesn't have to be this way.

Put on the belt of truth. 

Cling to who He is. 

To what HE says about you.

To all He can be for you. 

You don’t have to do anything. 

He already has. 

Just cling to Him. 

He is Truth after all. 

Did I Mess Up God's Plan?

I have avoided this blog post.

Out of shame.
Fear.
In-explainable pain & heartache.

Last time I wrote I admitted to struggling with my current foster loves and wrote about the turmoil that was our daily existence. I wrote to be honest. I wrote to remember the pain because I fully expected God to heal it with time so well that I wouldn't remember how bad it was. I wrote with fierce determination to love them through it all no matter what. Completely confident that God would supply whatever we needed to stay the course to permanency. TPR (last major court milestone before officially pursuing adoption) was fast approaching and after two years together adoption was on the horizon and the intended destination.

The thing is, living in foster care is living in limbo. TPR had been postponed over and over again. As an adult, I struggle when I don't know what to expect. These babies struggled and struggled hard. To the point that our other children were beyond miserable. They were suffering varied levels of abuse and it came to a point as parents we couldn't ask them to love and forgive and turn the other cheek a second longer. We had to step in and protect them.

Oh, the anguish!

We didn't want any of our kids' childhood to be marred forever with the idea that Mom & Dad loved 'them' more. None of our kids need to feel less deserving of love and protection. Not my babies. Not my foster loves. We had to face the fact that we couldn't provide permanency for our foster loves "no matter what" and provide everyone with a safe, loving, abuse-free environment. I found a notebook where one of my kids wrote that she wished she could just die because of how one of my foster loves was treating her. Another came to me with tears in her eyes and said, "I don't think I can do this any longer." So I made the hardest call of my life and asked the "system" to look for a new adoptive placement. I just didn't see any other choice. And when the social worker asked me if she could come to see us and work with us to develop a plan to make this work because we had been together so long and were so close to adoption I gave her a flat out no. I felt like a monster who was kicking half her family out. Even worse, I really was that monster.

For so long I had struggled with this placement in various ways for various reasons that aren't fully my story to tell. So I won't. But I had latched onto this idea that despite the struggle I had to keep going. If I gave them up I was a failure. As if their futures rested in my hands. As if I was their Savior, not God. I pleaded and asked God for a sign that we were to be their forever home and I found out a baby was on the way after nine years and a basic understanding that my days of having my own babies were long gone. I took this as my sign from God. Adopting them plus a baby on the way meant our family was complete. Our time of fostering was coming to an end and all of our focus would be put towards healing from trauma. I was on my knees daily, hourly, pleading for love overflowing and an overwhelming peace despite the trauma storm that raged around us. I announced our pregnancy simultaneously announcing our adoption plans. An announcement I have since deleted from my facebook wall because it hurts to look back on. We bought a 15 passenger van because we were planning on permanency. We signed a 10k dollar contract to waterproof our basement so we could finish it out and add more bedrooms because we were planning for permanency. I share these things just to show we were all in. In every way possible. Life was hard, but we knew God could sustain us so we plugged on ahead as if everything rested on our shoulders. We wouldn't take the easy way out -- no. We would fight through this trial no matter what, no matter how long, because it was the right thing and we could not, would not dare, fail these kids.

And then I failed them.
Utterly.
Miserably.
Spectacularly.
Totally failed at mothering these kids.

A few days after my phone call asking them to look for a new home I stood in church, surrounded by worship, and I just cried out to God. Why? Why? Why? My foster loves surrounded me on all sides. All three literally had their arms around me vying for my love and affection. Why? Why God? Why didn't you answer my prayers? You're in me and You can do the impossible so why didn't You fill me with love for them?  Why did You give me this baby that rolls and kicks in response to their hugs that surround me if I am not keeping them? Will You take the baby because I failed on my end of the bargain? Do I really even know You? Do I even know when You speak to me at all? Plain as day it was seared into my heart, "I didn't answer your prayers because if you felt love for them the way you wanted to you wouldn't be able to survive giving them up like you have to and the baby is a gift to ease the pain and to bring joy amidst the sorrow of letting them go."  Despite hearing so clearly I still wrestled and struggled so hard. I didn't even share it with my husband for days. Did I ever hear from God? Am I making this all up? So much doubt about my relationship with God crept in. Was I even His if I couldn't distinguish His voice? I thought God had told me the baby was confirmation for keeping them forever. Now the baby is a consolation for letting them go? I am a crazy woman who doesn't know the voice of her Savior. I went back and forth nonstop for days and weeks on end. Even after they had gone.

Eventually, a dear lady from church who must have sensed the anguish and warfare all over me took me to breakfast and I opened up to her about my doubts and conflicting messages from God and she brought me confirmation that the message I received in church really was from the Lord and peace has crept into my heart. Everything still hurts and I still pick apart all the ways I screwed up over the last two years because I'm human. I have to stop and remind myself that I am not the Savior. God is. He loves them more than I ever could have hoped to. I may never fully know why I couldn't be their Momma. I trust God has a plan. In the midst of our decision making my dear sweet husband reminded me that our Squish left and returned to be adopted even though that was 100% impossible, so putting in our notice wouldn't screw up God's plan if they were meant to be with us. There is nothing we can do to mess up His plan. I find so much Grace in knowing that He is in control and we literally can't screw it up.

They have been gone for almost three whole months now and I haven't gotten a reply to my inquiries about their well-being.  I don't know if they will ever make their way back into our lives in any capacity. I hope they have landed in the perfect home where they are happy, healthy, and thriving beyond what they were able to be with us. All I know for sure is God is in control and I can trust He knows best for them and for us. He will use all of this mess for His Glory, despite my flawed involvement.

Life isn't going the way I thought it would but none of this mess surprises God and I'm not screwing it all up because I don't have the power to thwart God's plan. (Nor do you!)  I'll just keep showing up, spend time in the Word, and walk one foot in front of the other trusting God every step of the way.

Even when that leads down a different path than I had expected.

Why Time In the Word Is So Important

A few weeks ago I found out I had to say goodbye to the first child I thought it was realistically safe to expect to adopt. Sure the word adoption had been thrown out and around before, but this was more concrete. I thought I was going to get a front row seat to watch God transform this baby I didn't make, but whole heartedly loved as if I did, from broken, abused and unwanted to loved, treasured, and desperately hoped for. Fully expecting that one day he would be healed from the trauma he never deserved. Fortunately this sweet child is still going to get those things, it's just not going to be here with me like I had hoped for.

When all this went down I spiraled hard and fast. My feet were knocked out from under me and my breath was completely knocked out of me. I didn't know if I could get up again. If I would ever breathe again. Or even want to. Why go through the pain of taking in and loving a child who is utterly devastated and broken if they're just going to take that child away and not let me see it through to the other side?

I started to dream of running away. My husband has been on unemployment for far too long and the only offers he gets for work he declines because they would take us away from where we are now. If we leave here we would have to step away from fostering for at least a season. The temptation to quit foster care, to walk away from the trauma and the heartache of it all, has never been so strong in my life. We could take a job somewhere, anywhere, and our tiny core family of five could live the simple life. Traveling and chasing after jobs. Touring the country and soaking up life together. Away from all the bondage of foster care.

On top of the overwhelming desire to run away from foster care was the soul crushing searing pain of loss and grief and ultimately fear that gripped my heart and mind. Feelings of failure and mistakes. The what-ifs. Frantically trying to make the wrongs right and fix it somehow. Utterly helpless in fixing anything.

I was being tossed around in the waves of life. Hurricane level swells were leaving me broken and battered, deprived of the air I desperately needed to live. I wasn't alone in my grief. I had a life raft in the storm to cling to. My journal was filled with the whispers that God had been speaking to my heart. His words that spoke intimately to me in the quiet of my mornings. I knew I was drowning so I thumbed through my journal and reviewed the exact verses that God led me to find each day and what He whispered to me in a real and personal way ministered to me. These stories, these snippets that God spoke to me through. They were what kept me afloat. Kept my head above water.

For the past thirteen weeks this is some what God has been speaking to me.

In Genesis when Adam and Eve stood unashamedly naked before God, He whispered to me that I was His and He wanted me to stand exposed unashamedly just the way I am and allow others to see what He can do.

When Cain was angry and dejected because God did not accept the offering of some of his crops I was reminded that I needed to give God the first and the best of all that I had to offer.

When Noah was told to build a boat and fill it with all the living creatures I was mesmerized by the fact that Noah didn't go on a safari looking for all the animals he needed for his floating zoo. He just built the boat. God took care of the details and Noah didn't waste one iota of time worrying about things he had no control over.

When Noah sat in the boat for months patiently waiting for the earth to dry God reminded me there are seasons of waiting, times of growing and trusting.

When Job cried out to God in despair because he had lost everything including his children I was reminded that my life needed to be spent focusing on what truly matters. Not worldly things that are ultimately a waste.

When God spoke to Job from the whirlwind I realized I have tunnel vision and I am too consumed with myself.

When Job acknowledged God's complete authority I had to acknowledge it as well. God is able to be in complete control of all things and no one can stop God.

When the people tried to build the tower of Babel I realized my focus needed to be making God look good not me.

When God was assuring Abram that he would be protected and rewarded and didn't need to be afraid He was assuring me that He had my back in all things.

When God promised Abram a son and Sarai couldn't fathom how that could be she made a huge mess and God reminded me to wait on Him in all things and to never ever take things into my own hands.

When Lot was dragged to safety by angels I was reminded to lay down my idols of comfort and never grow weary of praying for the ones I love.

When Abraham made assumptions and acted out of fear I was reminded to trust God to move in all situations that have potential problems.

When God tested Abraham I was reminded to sacrifice myself for others.

When Rachel watered camels I was reminded to go above and beyond when serving others.

When Esau sold his birthright for soup I was reminded to never sacrifice something with eternal value for comfort today.

When Jacob slept and saw the spiritual realm around him I was reminded that God is here with me.

When Leah learned to praise God, even from a life as the unwanted and unloved wife, God reminded me to praise Him in all the things.

When God provided for Jacob he whispered He would provide for me as well.

When Esau forgave Jacob I was reminded to respond to hurts with love and forgiveness.

When God gave Joseph loyal love He whispered to me that I could trust His loyal love for me.

When Joseph gave God the credit I was reminded to do the same.

When there was famine and Jacob told his sons to get a move on and go buy some grain God whispered to me to stop standing frozen in fear.

When Judah took complete responsibility sacrificing himself for his little brother I was reminded to live out a life of self-sacrifice.

In the middle of the famine God spoke to me that just like the Egyptians completely sold all they had to Pharaoh all that I have and am is God's.

Jacob and Rachel and Leah taught me that broken places lead to God and the midwives in Egypt taught me to obey God not man.

Moses taught me to take it all to God. He alone knows all, understands all, and remembers all. I need to be patient and trust God with the big picture, to pay attention when God speaks, to find stability in Christ, to pray and seek God's presence when unable to see the way before me, to keep calm and let God handle it, and to cry out to God for help. That mercy is greater than wrath, and I should rely on the light of God's word. God sanctifies. God skilled me for a purpose. That a lack of Godly counsel and leadership leads to bad choices, if I want a sunnier disposition I need more time with God and above all else I need to pray constantly.

In Leviticus I learned to freely worship and rest in the Lord and what He has done, that it is all God. I am not able.

In Numbers God reminded me to not whine or complain, to trust him completely. To not tuck tail and run. To trust God in the scary places. That the dry and wretched places have a purpose.

In Deuteronomy God reminded me that he would see me through the great and terrible wilderness patches in my life. He would fight for me. He would sustain me. That it was my choice to choose life and blessings by choosing to hold close to Him. That He alone is my good life, my abundant life, and fulfillment.

In Joshua God reminded me that he doesn't call me to the simple easy life. He calls me to be steadfast and determined to the life that He has called me to. A life dead to self and completely surrendered to His kingdom. That the secret to prosperous successful life was in the Word. To not stress the long term and just trust God to get me through the day.

In Judges I had to acknowledge that my heart longs to worship idols. That my troubles were reminders to stop lusting after worthless idols and turn back to fully devoted to following the Lord. No matter what. No matter where. That doubts lead to making decisions based on human reckoning and no good comes of that. To not live selfishly or self indulgently because its not about me or what I want or what I think looks best. It's about giving all that I am to God. That ultimately God has a plan and a purpose and my shortcomings won't overthrow it.

In Ruth God whispered to be a Boaz. To provide protection, abundant provision and love to the people he has placed around me. To be a woman of excellence. Known to be loyal, kind, hardworking, and above all else open to instruction.

Thirteen weeks in the Old Testament full of lessons I needed to survive this unexpected storm that has swept me away. Much of what I needed to survive God gave to me before I ever even knew I would so desperately cling to it drowning in a deep dark place.

I'm fairly confident I'm not the only one who has been swept away by the storms of life. I promise if you're alive life will try to sweep you away as well. You need a life raft. And God wants to meet you in His word and help you build one. If you would like to know how to start. Check this out. As for me, I can't wait to dive in and see what God has for me today.

*As always when blogging about foster care details are obscured and fudged to protect the identities of the children. 

My Mini Me

It was a long day.

It was supposed to be fun. 

We were at the park after all.

Unfortunately sometimes having foster brothers sucks the fun out of going to the park.

Sometimes they are mean and they pick at you.

No matter how hard you try they refuse to accept you.

Before you know it they've eaten away at the fun and all you have left is a scowl stretching across your face and a heart that is heavy and dark sunken eyes that can't see the beauty and fun because they are fixated on what is wrong.

I urge her to be better.

It bother's me to see her struggle with this.

I tell her not to let anyone else rob her of her happy.

Don't let them steal your joy. Ignore them.  Forgive them. Love them anyway. Enjoy yourself.

It all falls on deaf ears.

It's much easier to soak in misery and fixate on the pain than it is to shrug it all off and love anyway.

It hurts this Momma's heart.

I want her to be better.

Better than her messed up Momma.

Deep down I know that if I am going to see her claim victory in this arena.

I am going to have to find victory in it. 

It would be SO much easier to cling to my sin and harp on her to fix hers.

Instead, I've got to get down and dirty and focus on ME.

But I can't fix me.

I've tried and I've failed.

I'm miserable and so broken and so very unfixable.

If you could be better by trying I'd be perfect.

You can't and I'm not.

Instead I am going to focus my time on the Word of God, and snuggling up to who HE is.

Only then will I be able to reflect Him.

Only then will I be able to help her.

For right now I am the one she mirrors after all.

More than anything I want her to mirror a reflection of Him. 

So I have to teach her how.

So I quit trying to fix her.

I quit trying to fix me.

I snuggle up to Him.

He's the only hope either of us has.

Psalm 101:3

Every once and a while I'll be reading happily skipping along through scripture. Taking a nibble here and there tasting and enjoying a smorgasboard of what the Word has to offer for nourshment. When out of NOwhere a verse will get snagged in my throat.

There is no way around it - some scripture is just hard to swallow.

I recently stumbled across one that got lodged pretty good.

"I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless."

Chew on that one a while. It doesn't go down easily.

I've been chewing on this chunk of scripture for days... weeks...MONTHS. Slowly and carefully evaluating where I spend my time & energy. EVERYTHING is being considered.  Homeschooling, housekeeping, church activities/involvement, my online presence (tweeting/facebook/blogging), my hobbies, my entrapenourrish dabbling's. I'm still evaluating in most areas. I think I always will be. Mostly because there is an ebb and flow to life. I'm certain I'll never fully figure it all out. As time passes and things change modifications will be made as I realize what poor choices I am making despite my best intentions.

Remember back when we decided to pull the plug? Since then we reconnected to the web and after a while we reconnected to netflix. Before long an occasional movie night turns into an addiction again. My brother got me hooked on a t.v. show {Burn Notice} and thanks to netflix and hulu I was able to watch ALL the past seasons and am anxiously awaiting June 14th {except you know, its now after June 14th and I'm just now publishing!} to find out what happens to Fiona. Josh likes to watch 24 and before you know it we are rushing through the kids bedtime routines so we can snuggle up in bed and watch 1 to 2 hours of television a night to see Jack Bauer save the world {again.} My guilty pleasure is Drop Dead Diva. Anxiously awaiting to find out if the Deb in Jane will ever get her Graeson is a little harmless mind numbing fun that I 'deserve' after a long hard day. Right? Not really. Its an addiction. It's wasting time that is precious and short on something that is completely worthless. It is choosing to find comfort and peace in an idol instead of casting my cares on the Lord and letting HIS words rejuvenate me after a long day. I have decided to cut the plug again. My new personal rule in this area is no t.v. / movie unless it is with kids/friends/family and is being specifically used as tool. Now since t.v. does not usually lend itself well to bonding/witnessing it is and should be rarely used. I plan to never know how in the world Jack Bauer finished saving the world... I think I will survive. But I'll be honest, it kinda sucks. I miss it, but I keep reminding myself. "Nothing that is worthless." Keep reminding me when Survivor season gets here in the fall...

Another change I have committed to make is no more entrapenourrish dabblings or extra ministry related work right now. Much prayer and time in the Word has confirmed in my heart that this season of my life is not the time for such. My time is to be invested in one thing alone right now and that one thing needs ALL my time and attention. There are things in my life that this is not the time for.  I know that when the time is right I can return to them. If the time is never right, I'm ok with it. The only exception here is that I am continuing to work on my photography for the time being and I will continue to help my Mom when she needs me with her sewing. I'm prepared to step away from even these if I am asked to. I am sacrificing things I enjoy doing, things I think I do well, things I think help a lot of people, and to minister to a lot of people. I am saying no to the good and YES to the one thing I know without a shadow of a doubt that only I can do right now. It is oh so hard, but I know when my life and my body has been utterly spent I will not regret pouring all of me into those that will outlive me.

These are the biggies for now, but I'm sure there will be more for...

he's still working on me. 

It took him just a week to make the moon and stars.

The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars

How loving and patient He must be

'cause He's still working on me!

B90Days or BUST

My house has been plagued by a rather pungent, downright nasty odor.

The vile source of this putrid stench is my stinking attitude.

My kids are driving me crazy. They won't listen, they're always arguing, I have to raise my voice to get their attention.

Daily.Living.Is.A.NON-STOP.Battle.And.It.STINKS!!!

Potpourri anyone?

I'm a firm believer that children are a reflection. If what you're seeing isn't sitting well with you... guess what....

I will be the first to admit that I have been hard to get along with lately. Usually I'm easy going but for some reason I am finding pretty much everyone to be the source of extreme annoyance as of late.

Spray some febreeze on that!

Ever gone so long without cracking open your Bible or really talking to God that you're down right embarrassed to even try getting back in the routine?

"Uhmmm, Hi God, I know I'm supposed to talk to you non-stop... sorry I've kept you on hold for the past six months."

Shewwww-eeeee!!! Roll me in baking soda its getting ugly!

Seriously, I'm a moron. I know better than this! Yet here I sit, stinking it up worse than Stanley the Stink Bug. (Any other mother's of pre-schoolers out there?)

I have no one but myself to blame for my rotten attitude. This depressed, annoyed, moody, selfish, angry version of me is all my fault. And its going to take more than a few billion odor eaters to get rid of the stench.

"God's Spirit makes us loving, happy, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and self controlled."

So I'll be picking up The Sword and going to battle with my stinky rotten flesh.

Care to join me?

Who doesn't like a good debate?

The little country town in which I live was recently torn in two by the very same controversy that has gained significant national coverage in a city slightly larger than my own.

Ok I lied.

A bigger city.

Much Bigger!

Yet still the controversy swirls here among farmers and a whole lot of country church goers much in the same way it engulfs the city slickers.

Some people want a mosque. 

Some people don't like it very much 

that some people want a mosque built.

Some more people don't like the fact 

that some people don't like it very much

that some people want a mosque built.

...and this is the house that jack built....

As with any good controversy there are two sides. Both sides are right. Both sides are wrong.

Naturally.

Since the controversy erupted I knew I wanted to write about it. At first I wanted to write about how crazy upset I was with those who claim Christ and yet are known solely by what they are against instead of by what they are for. I wanted to say seriously folks. 

Christian folks. 

L-O-V-E 

It's a command!

Not an option.

Just saying.

Though I personally didn't oppose the mosque itself I then decided I wanted to write about the topic of tolerance that it brought up. Not necessarily in relation to the mosque but just how sick of tolerance I am. Jesus wasn't tolerant, God certainly isn't tolerant. Why on earth should *I* worry about being tolerant. Just because tolerance is popular... uhm no. Let me step outside of myself and just say no. HECK no! Tolerance has Got.To.Go!

Life was busy. I didn't take time to write. (I hadn't yet had my great idea to feed my children cheap cardiac arrest burgers in order to get a moment to myself.) And the controversy died down.

BUT then I read something that bothered me. It was made by a professing christian in reference to Muslims. 

Friendship aside.

Spiritual beliefs aside.

Ir*q war aside.

Muslims ARE PEOPLE. 

God loves PEOPLE. 

'nuff said. 

It bugged the crap outta me. Just ask my husband. I ranted and raved to him for hours on end about the principle behind it. I ranted and raved about the "some people" who were all upset on both sides. I went on and on about my disgust with the situation. Sweet guy listened.to.it.all.

Bless him.

Let me tell you one thing about my husband. He has a very cool gift. I am in awe and super jealous of this ability he has. He can listen to me ramble for days on end about something and then condense it into one short concise sentence that gets the point across. 

I envy short concise sentences that are capable of speaking volumes. 

I bet you have been wishing I'd a gotten to the point three paragraphs ago! 

See my point?!?

I can't say anything in one sentence!

Utterly BRILLIANT that man is!

What follows is my husband's words. {He made me promise to give him the credit when I finally got all my thoughts on paper.} So here it goes.. short.. concise.. to the point.. volumes my friends.. VOLUMES.. and somewhat WAY better put than I would have ever said myself!

Christians just need to be more like the Muslims

in that our faith needs to be noticed by outsiders?

Bet that one takes a couple days to soak in.

And because I have an addiction to words and can't keep my mouth shut I'll add my two cents now...

Seriously, go to wal-mart. See the muslims? Sure you do. They stick out like sore thumbs. Can you pick out the Christians? Can you find anyone from which love ooozes so supernaturally you think, that person, that one right there, they MUST be a Christ follower!?!

So Christian... does your neighbor have you pegged as the Jesus following type? Do your co-workers? Do the people that meet you in rush hour traffic? The ones in the check-out line? What about the people sitting at the table adjacent to yours at the restuarant?

Does the way you go about your day to day life outside of the church building scream out to others that you are a Christ follower?

I'll be the first to confess no.

I must confess: A Stale Relationship with God

Some women boast in their independence and self reliance. 

I.am.so.NOT.one.of them!!!

I am so dependent on my husband it is pathetic. Quite frankly I like it that way. My man has been my very best friend since we started dating when I was 15 years old.  He’s ALWAYS been there for me. I love knowing I can trust and depend on him. Not many women are that fortunate and having that is very special to me and makes me feel so very loved.

The problem is even the very best of guys can’t always be there. As became the case when Josh felt prompted to leave his stable comfortable job for something very different, very uncomfortable, and very time consuming. I knew starting this trucking job would be tough but I figured I could handle it no problem. I survived his absence for a whole year when he was depl*yed to Ir*q so... a few weeks at a time with the convenience of cell phones would be a cake walk in comparison.

HA! 

I had no idea how spoiled rotten I had become. It became obvious VERY quickly that there were several things I had been taking for granted. For instance, since Josh first left on the truck...

I’ve actually had to... wait for it...  put gas in my car. {gasp}

I’ve had to carry groceries and sleeping children into the house without any help.

I’ve had to re-learn to mow. {For the record my parents owned a mower with a steering wheel when I was a teenager... the two handled bar things are confusing to steer with!}

I’ve had to touch raw chicken! {Double gag since I’m pregnant and puking is naturally easier for me right now.}

I would have had to learn to unclog a toilet if I hadn’t conned a teenager into that one!

This list could go on and on and on but I won’t bore you.

As enlightening as all these daily life experiences were, the thing I missed most was simply his presence. Before he started trucking all around the country I spent the bulk of my days glancing at the time in anticipation of his return home from work. So naturally, a few days into his training period and I was miserable. The days just kept piling up and turned to weeks. (In all six very looong weeks his first time out.)

I knew going into this I would miss him like crazy. I knew I would probably cry a bunch. I knew I’d miss seeing his mischievous grin. I knew I’d miss his hugs and kisses. I knew it would be rough...     and.it.was!

What I didn’t anticipate is that through my husbands grueling six week absence, (including spotty cell-phone coverage which made communication sparse) the realization that I needed to confess that my relationship with God had become very formal, even impersonal. Dare I use the word fake? 

Don’t look at me like that. I’m not a ‘bad’ Christian. I pray and read my Bible daily most days. I go to church. I’m a model christian... and yet I’ve discovered my relationship with God had become very stale, way to formal, and yes, even fake.

As the days were turning into weeks and it was getting harder and harder for me to stay emotionally stable God began to speak to my heart...

“Why don’t you tell me” He’d whisper when I complained about how unfair it was that I couldn’t talk to Josh and tell him about what was going on here at home.

“Why don’t you long to spend more time with me?” He’d whisper when I was wallowing in loneliness.

“I’m here,” He’d whisper when I’d cry into my pillow at night.

“Don’t you want to talk to me,” He’d ask when I’d dial Josh and get his voicemail for the 600th time. 

Every single day, every single time, I acknowledged Josh’s absence God was there inviting me to spend time with Him. 

The one thing that has become overly abundantly clear to me through all of this is that God. THE creator of this universe. THE all powerful, Holy , Righteous, Sovereign, Omnipotent, King of Kings and Lord of Lords is pursuing a close intimate personal relationship with me...

There are simply no words!!

He wants to hear me cry out to Him when my children have pushed me to wits end. He wants to talk to me when I feel lonely. Furthermore He’s right here with me so I’m not ever alone.

The funny thing is, this is something I’ve known for years. It’s not new knowledge on any level. I know we are commanded to pray without ceasing. I know we are called to a personal relationship with Christ, and yet somewhere along the way I’ve let life crowd into time I used to spend with God. I’ve had periods of a closer relationship with God but I’d let the demands of being a wife and a mother and keeping house and even church activities... all suck away time I should have been spending on simply talking to God. I guess sometimes the longest distance a lesson has to travel is from the brain to the heart.

Is it just me?

Truthfully, (anything less wouldn’t be fair to you) what would your relationship with your spouse (or your closest human companion) be like if your time spent communicating mirrored the communication you share with God?

How often would you talk? Upon waking, before meals, during quiet time, before bed, when prompted by others requests or needs?

That is what it was like for me. Very formal. Very scheduled. 

That’s no way to cultivate a relationship!

Shocker of shockers we don’t have to set apart long chunks of time to pray long drawn out prayers to talk to God. He accepts short sentence fragments peppered throughout the day.

I must confess: My love for God is hindered.

“You can only love Christ as much as the person you love the least.” ~ Scott Bondy

Do you feel as if you just got sucker punched in the gut? I sure did! My initial reaction was, “Sure sounds good and church-ey... but is it Biblical? ... Please don’t be Biblically backed up by scripture... please!?!”

Of course you are holier than I and much more refined so you didn’t have the gut reaction to defend against conviction. Only heathens like I respond that way.

Well my friends, almost instantly God brought to mind, " But if we say we love God and don't love each other, we are liars. We cannot see God. So how can we love God, if we don't love the people we can see?" Yes, its scripture. First John, chapter four, verse twenty. (It may be worded slightly different based on which version you own.) Go ahead and look it up yourself. It’s there and yes we must take it to heart.

Unless of course you own an erasable Bible that allows you to pick and choose which scriptures you want to keep. {Yes, I am being extremely facetious here, please don’t throw rotten tomatoes or nasty emails and comments my way!}

So, yes I am lead to believe that that there is a very real reason as to why I feel as if there is a ton of bricks on my chest.

My love for God really is handicapped by my love for the people I rub shoulders with every single day. The throngs of vile sinners (such as myself) that aren’t easy to love naturally.

Now in my defense, (every good Christian has one you know) there really isn’t anyone I don’t love.

Really and truly.

Scouts honor.

Honest.

God has done a work in my heart over the last few years in general and has taught and re-taught me some important lessons in forgiveness and the importance of loving NO MATTER WHO & NO MATTER WHAT.

The source of my conviction isn’t an absence of love. The conviction is more of the result of a lack of expression of love. Let’s be honest. I really have learned to love everyone in a, “God loves you and I want you to be living in a mansion next door to me in glory some day” kind of way. That is the easy part.

Yet there are still those people I run into who rub me the wrong way and quite frankly for one reason or another I would rather look the other way when I run into them at wal-mart (yeah, I’m sure I’m the only one who has ever done that) and altogether avoid any type of communication period. For whatever reason some people are just plain mean and others go out of their way to hurt those around them.

Now I’m not saying I haven’t been taught to forgive, trust me, God has nailed that lesson down well in my heart, or so I thought. However, now I am starting to learn that my forgiveness is barely scratching the surface. It is time to reach towards a much deeper level of forgiveness by moving beyond the words, “I forgive them Lord” towards the actions that have me pursuing ways to prove it with love by taking me out of my comfort zone.

God has spoken to my heart and I know that I need to look for ways to visibly reach out in love to those whom I would much rather avoid.

It is vitally important considering my love for Him depends on my love for them.


DISCUSS: Who in your life to do you need to reach out in love to? Is it a family member who has hurt you deeply? A church member who offended you somehow? The person who scans your groceries? The neighbor who you've never even introduced yourself to? The person who....

UnPlugged... Alternately Titled I must confess: I waste to many minutes in front of a screen.

I'm not going to lie. One of my guilty pleasures is watching television. I am well aware that zoning out in front of a t.v. is a complete waste of time; however, it is relaxing for me to be able to sit down and enjoy some mind numbing television after an especially draining day.

Like most people I have my favorite shows.

I am hopelessly addicted to Lost and Survivor but there are a plethora of other programs that intrigue me. I absolutely love watching chefs magically transform flour and sugar into works of art on various cake decorating shows. I enjoy watching the Duggar family, Michelle Duggar is my role model. How she manages to never once raise her voice at her crazy large brood is a phenomenon to me. {I only dream that I one day get there!} The various cooking challenges, baby stories, ... goodness I could literally go on forever. There is always something interesting to watch. There is nothing better than snuggling up on the couch after dinner to wind down after a long day. { The kids piling with us on the couch just makes it that much sweeter!}

As a responsible mother {of course} I am very strict during the day about not turning on the t.v. except for early morning cartoons while I am brewing coffee and trying to get the cobwebs out of my brain. Of course, I must also admit to the occasional bad day where movies are used and abused. Most of our screen time come from winding down after dinner most nights.

I don't think there is anything wrong with television, movies, or any screen time in general; however, I must admit that something was bothering my husband and I about the way we spent the bulk of our evenings. What we have come to realize as a family, is that its not about what is wrong with screen time {of any type.}

It has absolutely nothing to do with a high level of badness {cuz there isn't one} and everything to do with a low level of rightness. You see, we decided there is nothing wrong with the minutes we spend plugged in, except for the fact they drain minutes from the things that really do matter.

Time we could spend face to face with each other talking and playing games building deeper relationships with one another. Time we could spend face to face with God spending time talking to Him and studying who He is and what He wants for our lives. Time we could spend building relationships with other people. People who will inevitably need a Christian to take the time to invest into their life.

Taking these things into consideration we made the radical decision to pull the plug at home. No more high speed internet. No more cable television. No, we're not religious fanatics or legalists. We just think our time is to valuable to continue spending our minutes on screen time.

Just because we made the decision to unplug at home doesn't mean we won't ever plug in. I will still email, tweet and check up on things through facebook via my phone. {The sheer frustration of it taking forever to load without wifi will make sure I don't click on to much!} Things that take more time, like posting blogs, will have to be saved for trips to my Mom's house or the library where the wifi is free. We will still even watch Lost and Survivor with my parents and even enjoy the occasional family movie night thanks to our DVD player. {One night a week should be a good balance for us.} By unplugging we are simply removing the likelihood of accidently wasting to much time in front of a screen. Saving a few bucks every month doesn't hurt either!

Unplugging doesn't make me 'holier than thou', a 'better Christian,' or 'smarter' in any way. It is just what works for me to help me be a better steward of my time. I only have so many minutes left to live. I don't want to waste a single one.

I don't know if this is a permanent change or if we'll plug back in one day after making some better habits. For now I sure can't wait to see what a difference unplugging makes in a few months and even in a year or two.

I must confess: This blog might not interest you...

If you stumble across my blog and
you don't go to church... I understand.

If you doubt my faith... that is okay.

If you have questions,
I don't mind if you ask.

I totally get that you have your own presuppositions
about "Christian" ideas and issues.

I totally get that you most likely don't
agree with any of my viewpoints.

I will try my best to be sensitive
to your spiritual journey; however,
you must know my blog is written
mostly for those who believe.

I don't think the problem is
those of you who don't believe.

The problem is those of us who do -
but don't live like it. { Myself included. }

Feel free to poke around,
stay as long as you like.

Just keep in mind you are most usually
not my targeted audience.

To you my words and ideas
will seem foreign and offensive.

Just remember...
you ARE NOT targeted here.

Consider Yourself Forewarned

You will probably read something on this blog you don't like. You will be shocked by how screwed up I am in the head at one point or another. You can say what you want about me - it won't matter. You can't praise me - because if there is anything good in my life you can rest assured its not me! You can criticize me if you want and share my faults with the world. I'm likely to beat you to it though. There are things on my heart and mind I've kept bottled inside because I don't want to offend, upset, or disrespect.

I'm tired of walking on eggshells.

There is only One who I need to please and He already knows every dirty, rotten, stinking thing about me. He knows my heart better than I do so I have nothing to hide.

I am me. I am who I am. If you don't like it I'm okay with that. Love me or hate me I don't care. The One who counts loves me. I am human. I make mistakes.... BIG ones. I learn. I grow. I make the same dumb mistakes over and over again. I'm still a work in progress. I do things I'm ashamed of but I know where to go for forgiveness. I know the One who restores.

Consider yourself forewarned. This is the only one you're going to get!

I must confess: I am excited about my failures! (Alternately Titled: I have so much to be excited about!)

I don't know about you but I sure could use a Character Makeover; in-fact, I desperately need a complete character overhaul! You can bet when I saw this book on sale at the local bookstore, I picked it up. There is no doubt in my mind that this gem of a book was tucked away in the sale bin exactly where it would catch my eye for a reason.

The book itself takes you on a 40 day journey of character transformation. I actually took the 40 day journey quite some time ago and each and every day of the journey was absolutely fantastic. I was challenged, I was stretched beyond my comfort zone, and I grew. Here recently one particular day of said journey has been brought to the forefront of my mind and is weighting heavily on my heart.

Let's dive straight into day three....

But my heavenly Dad said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you Erica, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." So, I will get excited when I can't go on because I know that is when Christ's power kicks in. That is why, in the power of Christ, I can rejoice when I want to pull my hair out for failing at being a submissive wife or patient Mom, when I have an outburst of anger, when I feel abandoned by friends and family, when I am criticized, or at the end of my rope. It is when I'm at my weakest and I give up that Christ takes over and HIS power makes me strong. - 2 Cor. 12: 9-10

Open your Bible and turn to 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 and what you find will read a little differently than the above passage. I encourage you to take the time to re-write these verses and personalize them to your unique weaknesses, infirmities, limitations, insults, reproaches, abuses, sufferings, mistreatments, hardships, needs, accidents, constraints, hard times, catastrophes, persecutions, opposition, perplexities, difficulties, distresses, bad breaks, calamities, troubles, pressures, etc.. Put your personalized verse somewhere where you can read it every day. God really does show His power through our weakest moments. If you can get excited about your weakest moments wouldn't your life feel a lot less heavy? Mine sure is starting to. Please let me know if yours does also.

I learned...
I need to let go of the masks I wear to bolster my self-esteem.
I need to stop covering my sins with various types of lies.
I need to strip away all my excuses for not obeying God's Holy Word.
I need God to show me where I should serve, and do only what He says.
I need to wait for Him to tell me when I should speak, and until He does, I need to wait.
I need God to take all my broken pieces and transform them into humility so that I can be most useful to Him.
What about you?

YOUR TURN: What failures are you excited about in your life? Take the plunge, be transparent enough to let the world see Jesus in you! How does your very own personalized ' 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 read?

To take the 40 day challenge yourself pick up "Character Makeover: 40 Days with a LifeCoach to Create the Best You"

I must confess: I've been living by the law...

I consider myself to be a good Christian. I go to church every time the doors open, I give all of my free time to working with the children and youth at my church. I tithe and try to give generously. I listen only to "Christian" music and avoid watching rated R movies, most of the time I don't even watch the ones rated PG 13. I don't cuss. I don't smoke. I've never had an alcoholic beverage. I wouldn't dream of getting a tattoo or anything weird pierced. I try my best to read my Bible every single day and I bless my meals before eating, even when out in public. I pray for the lonely, sick, orphaned and lost. I go on mission trips and donate to the needy. I sit in the front at church and sing praises whole heartedly to Jesus-even though my voice isn't the best. I dress modestly and avoid making friends with men to protect my marriage. I try my best to submit to my husbands leading and teach my children the Word of God. I memorize Bible verses, and at times even whole chapters. I leave gospel tracts attached to tips and hand out new testaments at the mall. I wear christian t-shirts and back when they were popular, WWJD bracelets. I don't read Harry Potter books or watch the movies. I've never been to a bar or out clubbing. I don't gamble. I do a fairly decent job obeying the ten commandment-at least as good as anyone else. I do my best, try my hardest; and yet, sometimes I feel kinda stuck in a rut. I must admit that if I'm not extremely careful, and even sometimes when I am, instead of feeling the peace of God I feel harried and stressed. Instead of being filled to overflowing with love and joy my temper is short. I'm easily annoyed and easily offended. I do all the right things and avoid all the wrong ones and yet I feel stuck.
At first I didn't realize my problem. I didn't realize that all I saw when I looked at people was their faults and shortcomings oblivious to my own. I didn't realize I as stuck with a bad attitude. Stuck with anger, jealousy, condemnation, self-righteousness, pride and selfishness. Eventually things got so bad I had to notice I was stuck. Stuck without kindness. Stuck without patience. Stuck without love. I tried my best to hide it but I failed miserably and so I sought help. I asked Christian friends to pray for me and I asked for advise. I tried harder than ever to do the right things, say the right things, be the right person. The harder i tried, the more stuck I felt. Then one day through a series of seemingly random events I figured out what was wrong.
A few weeks ago I indulged myself with a day completely dedicated to yard sales. There is just something about the thrill of driving all over the countryside in search of the perfect bargain. Friday mornings are a guilty pleasure of mine. On this particular Friday I was excited about checking out a friend's yard sale. I programmed my husbands GPS and happily detoured my way through several 'wrong turn' notifications savoring yard sale after yard sale all morning long. My joyous yard sailing abruptly came to an end when something went totally, horribly wrong. Getting to the next yard bulging with trinkets and baubles and gadgets galore proved quite difficult. My van would not budge. Not forward. Not backwards. Nowhere. So, I nonchalantly shifted and tried again. Nothing! Sharp Right... nope... sharp left... nada. Getting desperate to get out of there before people notice I am having difficulties, I decide to give it a little more gas. Bad idea! At this point I realize I'm really stuck and I really can't hide it. Flinging my pride to the wayside I get out and ask for help. Try as they might the people pushing do absolutely nothing to help and my spinning wheels have no where to go but down. As if it wasn't already abundantly clear I realize I am officially totally, entirely, positively stuck. I needed to call and get some help. I called my only friend in the world with a four wheel drive truck and resigned myself to a humiliating wait in a strangers front yard while car after car full of treasure seekers gawked at my misfortune. Trust me, there is nothing more humiliating than having to ask for help out of a ditch you purposely parked in. My glorious day suddenly metamorphosed. The pleasant sunshine turned scorchingly hot, to the point that I was practically sweating off a pound a minute (which in and off itself wasn't all bad.) My pleasant sweet children became miniature monsters. Sweat poured, tears fell, sighs escaped and we were forced to wait... and wait... and wait. An hour later - thats 60 whole minutes... slowly... ticking... agonizingly... away - my amateur rescuer called and informed me to call for professional help. I had no choice but to fork out the money and call a tow truck. In no time at all my van was hooked up and being pulled out of the ditch. I followed instructions under the careful supervision of my rescuer in order to get out of my predicament. Half-way out of the ditch I was asked what I initially considered to be the dumbest question ever. "Is your emergency brake on?" The tow truck guy asked.
"Who could possibly be so dumb?" I thought to myself. I answered "no" without even thinking. What idiot would have their emergency brake on when trying to get out of a ditch? And then my heart practically froze. You see, at home my drive way is ridiculously steep and so we always put on the emergency brake in order to keep from finding our vehicles in our neighbors kitchen. I, in fact, had been an idiot. I had applied the emergency brake literally trapping myself in a ditch that I didn't have to get stuck in. I sheepishly released the emergency brake.
After reflecting on my misadventures I realized I hadn't ended up stuck in a ditch on accident. God had orchestrated that days events to teach me a lesson if only I was willing to listen. I was willing - but I was also busy. Days passed and though I knew God had something for me I was busy living life. To busy doing the right things and avoiding the wrong ones. The yard sale stayed in the back of my mind and I stayed busy. This week at camp it finally clicked. Spending time in worship away from the normal business of life my heart was finally able to hear the quiet still voice of God. I realized that my relationship with God was stuck because I had the emergency brake on. Amidst the fun, games, team competitions, and time swimming and enjoying the beach I was able to meet with Jesus. I was able to digest the world of God translated through the preaching of J.R. Vasser. The words planted in my mind during the sessions were able to bloom in my heart during my time sitting in the sand watching the waves roll in.
Have you ever felt stuck in your relationship with God? Like no matter how hard you try it feels like you can't make any progress? I sure have! I have come to realize my problem is I have been living by the law, not love. The law had become my parking brake causing me to get stuck. You see, you can't measure Christianity by what you don't do. You can't measure it by following rules and regulations and abiding by certain restrictions. Instead you measure it by what you are zealous for. Its not about what you avoid but about what you pursue. I learned that rule keeping is no better than rule breaking. I learned that the law had been my parking brake for way to long and I have to focus on solely loving God to get my relationship with Him back on the road. In order to do this I had to realize that I am no better than anyone else. That God doesn't love me more than people who don't follow all the rules, just because I do-even if I cross all my t's and dot all my i's. I had to taste my own depravity and realize that despite doing all the 'right' things I am more broken, more sinful than I could ever realize. I realized God hated my self-righteousness MORE than the immorality I saw in other people.
I also had to realize that I needed to stop living for man's approval and start living fro God's alone. My idol of choice had become the idol of approval. I wanted to feel accepted. I was afraid of saying or doing something wrong. Not because I was worried about not bringing God glory, but because I was worried about who would be upset with me. I couldn't even make simple decisions for fear of making the wrong one - not in God's eyes, but in the eyes of people. I now realize that I need to regard Jesus as the one set apart - and I am going to live for His approval and His alone. You see, God is the ultimate judge of all - if He approves of what I'm doing - of what you're doing - then it frees us from the need of being approved. I am going to find complete satisfaction with God's acceptance and have zero need for anyone else's approval from here on out.
Finally, I learned in order to get my spiritual life back in drive I needed to start living my life differently. My life needs to be so radically different than the lives of lost people around me that people notice. God doesn't call us as Christians to be a part of the world - but to be different - to be set apart. God calls all of us to live a life that is so different that to the rest of the world we stand out. I for one look to much like the world. I let my feelings get hurt and get offended when someone says something bad about me. I get angry and hold grudges even though God calls me to hold my tongue and forgive quickly. I listen and participate in gossip instead of using my words to uplift others. I judge, instead of praying for others. I am a Christian, I do all the right things and I don't do the wrong ones and yet the way I live my day to day life is not much different from those who deny Christ. It's time I stop responding like everyone else and start living life set apart, differently than others. At the same time I have come to realize that God has called me to be a light in the dark. Instead of being separate from the darkness of this world I am to shine my light in it. Jesus was called a drunk and a glutton because of the people He hung around. In my own life I have been way to focused on being out of the dark. Once, Josh stopped at a gas station that was beside a liquor store. I had to use the restroom really bad but absolutely refused to go in that liquor store to go. I am a Christian, a youth pastor's wife. I can't go use 'that' bathroom. My goodness someone might see me, someone from church might see me. There was probably someone who needed a kind word or a smile, or maybe even to be told about the gospel; but, I was to good of a Christian to use the bathroom in a liquor store. I was to self-righteous, my heart was hardened. I now realize that God calls me to be set apart in the way I live my life and to go into the darkest parts of this world and shine the love of God boldly and brightly. As Christians we need to start making the world a better place. It is high time that I start living my life in such a way that it makes lost people WANT to believe in God.

At the yard sale I got stuck in the ditch because I had my emergency brake on. In my relationship with God I had gotten stuck because I had put way to much emphasis on the law. Pray for me as I now learn to stop focusing on doing the right things. Pray for me as I stop avoiding the wrong things. Pray for me as I learn to focus on passionately, deeply loving Jesus.