Battle Worn & Weary

Once, after opening up and sharing some of my inner struggles, a friend told me I needed to put my kids in school and go get a real job already.

A seed was planted.

I let what God says about me get lost under this perception of how people see me. I know what God has called me to and that it makes me look like an absolute nut job, and I'm predominately ok with that, so long as I keep my crazy mostly tucked in and out of sight. Hiding so that others don’t see how I look.

The last time I read through Job God spoke to me, He opened my eyes to the fact that He speaks through the storms in our lives. I've been going through some pretty intense storms for the last couple of years. I mean, to be honest, foster care is one giant hurricane to begin with, and the last few years have been especially brutal. My family has struggled with placements, struggled with communicating effectively with the team members assigned to supporting our family and our kiddos, struggled to navigate the trauma of loving kids from trauma and all the yuck it dredges up within us. I've seen my name written in files, and on forms, I never expected to receive. Allegations. Failed placements. The understanding my home now has a dark mark on our file and we aren't exactly the best option for kids who need us. Just barely acceptable for the ones that find their way here. Lies roar in my mind seeking to destroy and devour the plan God has for me. I’ve been earnestly seeking to hear God amid all these storms. To really hear what He has for me. To learn and to grow. 

I revisited this passage for the first time in a while. God's instructions to Job to ‘gird up his loins’ really jumped out at me. To gird one's loins commonly means to prepare oneself for something difficult or challenging, which totally fits and applies, but God took me even deeper this morning. Literally, it means to wrap a belt around your waist so your clothes don't flop around and fall down. Hard stop. Wouldn't you know, there happens to be a belt in the spiritual armor God instructs us to put on each day. 

“Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist.” 

In the storms of life, God reminds me to put my belt on. 

I need the truth of who God is and who I am not. So I don't flop around in the storm and look a fool with my pants down around my ankles. 

I've been flopping,

 insecure, 

disheveled, 

embarrassed, 

fallen on my face. 

A hot mess. 

I've not been secure in truth.

 No more. 

I will stand strong and secure in who God is. Who God has called me to be. No more flopping around in this raging storm called life. 

I don’t have to hide because of the opinions of others. 

God has called me to do things a little differently and that is ok. 

I will stand secure in the truth of who He is. 

I don’t have to have it all together. 

I don’t have to hide under a facade of humility. 

He already has me. 

I just need to keep showing up each morning and put my dang belt on. 

If you feel a little tattered this morning because you’re flopping in the stormy wind, 

ragged and torn, 

here is a life raft. 

It doesn't have to be this way.

Put on the belt of truth. 

Cling to who He is. 

To what HE says about you.

To all He can be for you. 

You don’t have to do anything. 

He already has. 

Just cling to Him. 

He is Truth after all.