I must confess: I've been living by the law...

I consider myself to be a good Christian. I go to church every time the doors open, I give all of my free time to working with the children and youth at my church. I tithe and try to give generously. I listen only to "Christian" music and avoid watching rated R movies, most of the time I don't even watch the ones rated PG 13. I don't cuss. I don't smoke. I've never had an alcoholic beverage. I wouldn't dream of getting a tattoo or anything weird pierced. I try my best to read my Bible every single day and I bless my meals before eating, even when out in public. I pray for the lonely, sick, orphaned and lost. I go on mission trips and donate to the needy. I sit in the front at church and sing praises whole heartedly to Jesus-even though my voice isn't the best. I dress modestly and avoid making friends with men to protect my marriage. I try my best to submit to my husbands leading and teach my children the Word of God. I memorize Bible verses, and at times even whole chapters. I leave gospel tracts attached to tips and hand out new testaments at the mall. I wear christian t-shirts and back when they were popular, WWJD bracelets. I don't read Harry Potter books or watch the movies. I've never been to a bar or out clubbing. I don't gamble. I do a fairly decent job obeying the ten commandment-at least as good as anyone else. I do my best, try my hardest; and yet, sometimes I feel kinda stuck in a rut. I must admit that if I'm not extremely careful, and even sometimes when I am, instead of feeling the peace of God I feel harried and stressed. Instead of being filled to overflowing with love and joy my temper is short. I'm easily annoyed and easily offended. I do all the right things and avoid all the wrong ones and yet I feel stuck.
At first I didn't realize my problem. I didn't realize that all I saw when I looked at people was their faults and shortcomings oblivious to my own. I didn't realize I as stuck with a bad attitude. Stuck with anger, jealousy, condemnation, self-righteousness, pride and selfishness. Eventually things got so bad I had to notice I was stuck. Stuck without kindness. Stuck without patience. Stuck without love. I tried my best to hide it but I failed miserably and so I sought help. I asked Christian friends to pray for me and I asked for advise. I tried harder than ever to do the right things, say the right things, be the right person. The harder i tried, the more stuck I felt. Then one day through a series of seemingly random events I figured out what was wrong.
A few weeks ago I indulged myself with a day completely dedicated to yard sales. There is just something about the thrill of driving all over the countryside in search of the perfect bargain. Friday mornings are a guilty pleasure of mine. On this particular Friday I was excited about checking out a friend's yard sale. I programmed my husbands GPS and happily detoured my way through several 'wrong turn' notifications savoring yard sale after yard sale all morning long. My joyous yard sailing abruptly came to an end when something went totally, horribly wrong. Getting to the next yard bulging with trinkets and baubles and gadgets galore proved quite difficult. My van would not budge. Not forward. Not backwards. Nowhere. So, I nonchalantly shifted and tried again. Nothing! Sharp Right... nope... sharp left... nada. Getting desperate to get out of there before people notice I am having difficulties, I decide to give it a little more gas. Bad idea! At this point I realize I'm really stuck and I really can't hide it. Flinging my pride to the wayside I get out and ask for help. Try as they might the people pushing do absolutely nothing to help and my spinning wheels have no where to go but down. As if it wasn't already abundantly clear I realize I am officially totally, entirely, positively stuck. I needed to call and get some help. I called my only friend in the world with a four wheel drive truck and resigned myself to a humiliating wait in a strangers front yard while car after car full of treasure seekers gawked at my misfortune. Trust me, there is nothing more humiliating than having to ask for help out of a ditch you purposely parked in. My glorious day suddenly metamorphosed. The pleasant sunshine turned scorchingly hot, to the point that I was practically sweating off a pound a minute (which in and off itself wasn't all bad.) My pleasant sweet children became miniature monsters. Sweat poured, tears fell, sighs escaped and we were forced to wait... and wait... and wait. An hour later - thats 60 whole minutes... slowly... ticking... agonizingly... away - my amateur rescuer called and informed me to call for professional help. I had no choice but to fork out the money and call a tow truck. In no time at all my van was hooked up and being pulled out of the ditch. I followed instructions under the careful supervision of my rescuer in order to get out of my predicament. Half-way out of the ditch I was asked what I initially considered to be the dumbest question ever. "Is your emergency brake on?" The tow truck guy asked.
"Who could possibly be so dumb?" I thought to myself. I answered "no" without even thinking. What idiot would have their emergency brake on when trying to get out of a ditch? And then my heart practically froze. You see, at home my drive way is ridiculously steep and so we always put on the emergency brake in order to keep from finding our vehicles in our neighbors kitchen. I, in fact, had been an idiot. I had applied the emergency brake literally trapping myself in a ditch that I didn't have to get stuck in. I sheepishly released the emergency brake.
After reflecting on my misadventures I realized I hadn't ended up stuck in a ditch on accident. God had orchestrated that days events to teach me a lesson if only I was willing to listen. I was willing - but I was also busy. Days passed and though I knew God had something for me I was busy living life. To busy doing the right things and avoiding the wrong ones. The yard sale stayed in the back of my mind and I stayed busy. This week at camp it finally clicked. Spending time in worship away from the normal business of life my heart was finally able to hear the quiet still voice of God. I realized that my relationship with God was stuck because I had the emergency brake on. Amidst the fun, games, team competitions, and time swimming and enjoying the beach I was able to meet with Jesus. I was able to digest the world of God translated through the preaching of J.R. Vasser. The words planted in my mind during the sessions were able to bloom in my heart during my time sitting in the sand watching the waves roll in.
Have you ever felt stuck in your relationship with God? Like no matter how hard you try it feels like you can't make any progress? I sure have! I have come to realize my problem is I have been living by the law, not love. The law had become my parking brake causing me to get stuck. You see, you can't measure Christianity by what you don't do. You can't measure it by following rules and regulations and abiding by certain restrictions. Instead you measure it by what you are zealous for. Its not about what you avoid but about what you pursue. I learned that rule keeping is no better than rule breaking. I learned that the law had been my parking brake for way to long and I have to focus on solely loving God to get my relationship with Him back on the road. In order to do this I had to realize that I am no better than anyone else. That God doesn't love me more than people who don't follow all the rules, just because I do-even if I cross all my t's and dot all my i's. I had to taste my own depravity and realize that despite doing all the 'right' things I am more broken, more sinful than I could ever realize. I realized God hated my self-righteousness MORE than the immorality I saw in other people.
I also had to realize that I needed to stop living for man's approval and start living fro God's alone. My idol of choice had become the idol of approval. I wanted to feel accepted. I was afraid of saying or doing something wrong. Not because I was worried about not bringing God glory, but because I was worried about who would be upset with me. I couldn't even make simple decisions for fear of making the wrong one - not in God's eyes, but in the eyes of people. I now realize that I need to regard Jesus as the one set apart - and I am going to live for His approval and His alone. You see, God is the ultimate judge of all - if He approves of what I'm doing - of what you're doing - then it frees us from the need of being approved. I am going to find complete satisfaction with God's acceptance and have zero need for anyone else's approval from here on out.
Finally, I learned in order to get my spiritual life back in drive I needed to start living my life differently. My life needs to be so radically different than the lives of lost people around me that people notice. God doesn't call us as Christians to be a part of the world - but to be different - to be set apart. God calls all of us to live a life that is so different that to the rest of the world we stand out. I for one look to much like the world. I let my feelings get hurt and get offended when someone says something bad about me. I get angry and hold grudges even though God calls me to hold my tongue and forgive quickly. I listen and participate in gossip instead of using my words to uplift others. I judge, instead of praying for others. I am a Christian, I do all the right things and I don't do the wrong ones and yet the way I live my day to day life is not much different from those who deny Christ. It's time I stop responding like everyone else and start living life set apart, differently than others. At the same time I have come to realize that God has called me to be a light in the dark. Instead of being separate from the darkness of this world I am to shine my light in it. Jesus was called a drunk and a glutton because of the people He hung around. In my own life I have been way to focused on being out of the dark. Once, Josh stopped at a gas station that was beside a liquor store. I had to use the restroom really bad but absolutely refused to go in that liquor store to go. I am a Christian, a youth pastor's wife. I can't go use 'that' bathroom. My goodness someone might see me, someone from church might see me. There was probably someone who needed a kind word or a smile, or maybe even to be told about the gospel; but, I was to good of a Christian to use the bathroom in a liquor store. I was to self-righteous, my heart was hardened. I now realize that God calls me to be set apart in the way I live my life and to go into the darkest parts of this world and shine the love of God boldly and brightly. As Christians we need to start making the world a better place. It is high time that I start living my life in such a way that it makes lost people WANT to believe in God.

At the yard sale I got stuck in the ditch because I had my emergency brake on. In my relationship with God I had gotten stuck because I had put way to much emphasis on the law. Pray for me as I now learn to stop focusing on doing the right things. Pray for me as I stop avoiding the wrong things. Pray for me as I learn to focus on passionately, deeply loving Jesus.