My Mini Me

It was a long day.

It was supposed to be fun. 

We were at the park after all.

Unfortunately sometimes having foster brothers sucks the fun out of going to the park.

Sometimes they are mean and they pick at you.

No matter how hard you try they refuse to accept you.

Before you know it they've eaten away at the fun and all you have left is a scowl stretching across your face and a heart that is heavy and dark sunken eyes that can't see the beauty and fun because they are fixated on what is wrong.

I urge her to be better.

It bother's me to see her struggle with this.

I tell her not to let anyone else rob her of her happy.

Don't let them steal your joy. Ignore them.  Forgive them. Love them anyway. Enjoy yourself.

It all falls on deaf ears.

It's much easier to soak in misery and fixate on the pain than it is to shrug it all off and love anyway.

It hurts this Momma's heart.

I want her to be better.

Better than her messed up Momma.

Deep down I know that if I am going to see her claim victory in this arena.

I am going to have to find victory in it. 

It would be SO much easier to cling to my sin and harp on her to fix hers.

Instead, I've got to get down and dirty and focus on ME.

But I can't fix me.

I've tried and I've failed.

I'm miserable and so broken and so very unfixable.

If you could be better by trying I'd be perfect.

You can't and I'm not.

Instead I am going to focus my time on the Word of God, and snuggling up to who HE is.

Only then will I be able to reflect Him.

Only then will I be able to help her.

For right now I am the one she mirrors after all.

More than anything I want her to mirror a reflection of Him. 

So I have to teach her how.

So I quit trying to fix her.

I quit trying to fix me.

I snuggle up to Him.

He's the only hope either of us has.