Turn the key!

I did not totally freak out about my van totally died on me this morning. After releasing the parking brake to back out of my driveway this morning the brakes did not fail (we did not dangerously roll down our very steep driveway into the road.) The steering wheel was not locked and I wasn't stuck unable to drive period. I wasn't seriously trying to figure out who stole gas out of my vehicle in my own driveway while simultaneously trying to figure out how to push/steer my vehicle out of the middle of the roadway. This absolutely, for sure, without a doubt did not all take place before the teenager sitting beside me reminded me it usually helps to turn the vehicle on.

I must confess: I've been living by the law...

I consider myself to be a good Christian. I go to church every time the doors open, I give all of my free time to working with the children and youth at my church. I tithe and try to give generously. I listen only to "Christian" music and avoid watching rated R movies, most of the time I don't even watch the ones rated PG 13. I don't cuss. I don't smoke. I've never had an alcoholic beverage. I wouldn't dream of getting a tattoo or anything weird pierced. I try my best to read my Bible every single day and I bless my meals before eating, even when out in public. I pray for the lonely, sick, orphaned and lost. I go on mission trips and donate to the needy. I sit in the front at church and sing praises whole heartedly to Jesus-even though my voice isn't the best. I dress modestly and avoid making friends with men to protect my marriage. I try my best to submit to my husbands leading and teach my children the Word of God. I memorize Bible verses, and at times even whole chapters. I leave gospel tracts attached to tips and hand out new testaments at the mall. I wear christian t-shirts and back when they were popular, WWJD bracelets. I don't read Harry Potter books or watch the movies. I've never been to a bar or out clubbing. I don't gamble. I do a fairly decent job obeying the ten commandment-at least as good as anyone else. I do my best, try my hardest; and yet, sometimes I feel kinda stuck in a rut. I must admit that if I'm not extremely careful, and even sometimes when I am, instead of feeling the peace of God I feel harried and stressed. Instead of being filled to overflowing with love and joy my temper is short. I'm easily annoyed and easily offended. I do all the right things and avoid all the wrong ones and yet I feel stuck.
At first I didn't realize my problem. I didn't realize that all I saw when I looked at people was their faults and shortcomings oblivious to my own. I didn't realize I as stuck with a bad attitude. Stuck with anger, jealousy, condemnation, self-righteousness, pride and selfishness. Eventually things got so bad I had to notice I was stuck. Stuck without kindness. Stuck without patience. Stuck without love. I tried my best to hide it but I failed miserably and so I sought help. I asked Christian friends to pray for me and I asked for advise. I tried harder than ever to do the right things, say the right things, be the right person. The harder i tried, the more stuck I felt. Then one day through a series of seemingly random events I figured out what was wrong.
A few weeks ago I indulged myself with a day completely dedicated to yard sales. There is just something about the thrill of driving all over the countryside in search of the perfect bargain. Friday mornings are a guilty pleasure of mine. On this particular Friday I was excited about checking out a friend's yard sale. I programmed my husbands GPS and happily detoured my way through several 'wrong turn' notifications savoring yard sale after yard sale all morning long. My joyous yard sailing abruptly came to an end when something went totally, horribly wrong. Getting to the next yard bulging with trinkets and baubles and gadgets galore proved quite difficult. My van would not budge. Not forward. Not backwards. Nowhere. So, I nonchalantly shifted and tried again. Nothing! Sharp Right... nope... sharp left... nada. Getting desperate to get out of there before people notice I am having difficulties, I decide to give it a little more gas. Bad idea! At this point I realize I'm really stuck and I really can't hide it. Flinging my pride to the wayside I get out and ask for help. Try as they might the people pushing do absolutely nothing to help and my spinning wheels have no where to go but down. As if it wasn't already abundantly clear I realize I am officially totally, entirely, positively stuck. I needed to call and get some help. I called my only friend in the world with a four wheel drive truck and resigned myself to a humiliating wait in a strangers front yard while car after car full of treasure seekers gawked at my misfortune. Trust me, there is nothing more humiliating than having to ask for help out of a ditch you purposely parked in. My glorious day suddenly metamorphosed. The pleasant sunshine turned scorchingly hot, to the point that I was practically sweating off a pound a minute (which in and off itself wasn't all bad.) My pleasant sweet children became miniature monsters. Sweat poured, tears fell, sighs escaped and we were forced to wait... and wait... and wait. An hour later - thats 60 whole minutes... slowly... ticking... agonizingly... away - my amateur rescuer called and informed me to call for professional help. I had no choice but to fork out the money and call a tow truck. In no time at all my van was hooked up and being pulled out of the ditch. I followed instructions under the careful supervision of my rescuer in order to get out of my predicament. Half-way out of the ditch I was asked what I initially considered to be the dumbest question ever. "Is your emergency brake on?" The tow truck guy asked.
"Who could possibly be so dumb?" I thought to myself. I answered "no" without even thinking. What idiot would have their emergency brake on when trying to get out of a ditch? And then my heart practically froze. You see, at home my drive way is ridiculously steep and so we always put on the emergency brake in order to keep from finding our vehicles in our neighbors kitchen. I, in fact, had been an idiot. I had applied the emergency brake literally trapping myself in a ditch that I didn't have to get stuck in. I sheepishly released the emergency brake.
After reflecting on my misadventures I realized I hadn't ended up stuck in a ditch on accident. God had orchestrated that days events to teach me a lesson if only I was willing to listen. I was willing - but I was also busy. Days passed and though I knew God had something for me I was busy living life. To busy doing the right things and avoiding the wrong ones. The yard sale stayed in the back of my mind and I stayed busy. This week at camp it finally clicked. Spending time in worship away from the normal business of life my heart was finally able to hear the quiet still voice of God. I realized that my relationship with God was stuck because I had the emergency brake on. Amidst the fun, games, team competitions, and time swimming and enjoying the beach I was able to meet with Jesus. I was able to digest the world of God translated through the preaching of J.R. Vasser. The words planted in my mind during the sessions were able to bloom in my heart during my time sitting in the sand watching the waves roll in.
Have you ever felt stuck in your relationship with God? Like no matter how hard you try it feels like you can't make any progress? I sure have! I have come to realize my problem is I have been living by the law, not love. The law had become my parking brake causing me to get stuck. You see, you can't measure Christianity by what you don't do. You can't measure it by following rules and regulations and abiding by certain restrictions. Instead you measure it by what you are zealous for. Its not about what you avoid but about what you pursue. I learned that rule keeping is no better than rule breaking. I learned that the law had been my parking brake for way to long and I have to focus on solely loving God to get my relationship with Him back on the road. In order to do this I had to realize that I am no better than anyone else. That God doesn't love me more than people who don't follow all the rules, just because I do-even if I cross all my t's and dot all my i's. I had to taste my own depravity and realize that despite doing all the 'right' things I am more broken, more sinful than I could ever realize. I realized God hated my self-righteousness MORE than the immorality I saw in other people.
I also had to realize that I needed to stop living for man's approval and start living fro God's alone. My idol of choice had become the idol of approval. I wanted to feel accepted. I was afraid of saying or doing something wrong. Not because I was worried about not bringing God glory, but because I was worried about who would be upset with me. I couldn't even make simple decisions for fear of making the wrong one - not in God's eyes, but in the eyes of people. I now realize that I need to regard Jesus as the one set apart - and I am going to live for His approval and His alone. You see, God is the ultimate judge of all - if He approves of what I'm doing - of what you're doing - then it frees us from the need of being approved. I am going to find complete satisfaction with God's acceptance and have zero need for anyone else's approval from here on out.
Finally, I learned in order to get my spiritual life back in drive I needed to start living my life differently. My life needs to be so radically different than the lives of lost people around me that people notice. God doesn't call us as Christians to be a part of the world - but to be different - to be set apart. God calls all of us to live a life that is so different that to the rest of the world we stand out. I for one look to much like the world. I let my feelings get hurt and get offended when someone says something bad about me. I get angry and hold grudges even though God calls me to hold my tongue and forgive quickly. I listen and participate in gossip instead of using my words to uplift others. I judge, instead of praying for others. I am a Christian, I do all the right things and I don't do the wrong ones and yet the way I live my day to day life is not much different from those who deny Christ. It's time I stop responding like everyone else and start living life set apart, differently than others. At the same time I have come to realize that God has called me to be a light in the dark. Instead of being separate from the darkness of this world I am to shine my light in it. Jesus was called a drunk and a glutton because of the people He hung around. In my own life I have been way to focused on being out of the dark. Once, Josh stopped at a gas station that was beside a liquor store. I had to use the restroom really bad but absolutely refused to go in that liquor store to go. I am a Christian, a youth pastor's wife. I can't go use 'that' bathroom. My goodness someone might see me, someone from church might see me. There was probably someone who needed a kind word or a smile, or maybe even to be told about the gospel; but, I was to good of a Christian to use the bathroom in a liquor store. I was to self-righteous, my heart was hardened. I now realize that God calls me to be set apart in the way I live my life and to go into the darkest parts of this world and shine the love of God boldly and brightly. As Christians we need to start making the world a better place. It is high time that I start living my life in such a way that it makes lost people WANT to believe in God.

At the yard sale I got stuck in the ditch because I had my emergency brake on. In my relationship with God I had gotten stuck because I had put way to much emphasis on the law. Pray for me as I now learn to stop focusing on doing the right things. Pray for me as I stop avoiding the wrong things. Pray for me as I learn to focus on passionately, deeply loving Jesus.

The Great Christmas Tree Search

Growing up my parents never once owned an artificial Christmas tree. We always had a tree that Dad cut down himself near the lake. Going to find the Christmas tree was always alot of fun! I remember trying to talk Mom into a taller or fatter tree every year. I hadn't been on a Christmas tree hunt in a very long time, since I married an 'artificial tree' man. This weekend fixed that and I have never had a better time picking out a tree.

We got started a wee bit late in the day. Yesterday was foggy all day long. Seriously! I had never seen fog so thick in all my life. It would have made the most awesome game of hide and seek ever. Mom was complaining that we wouldn't find a tree in the fog and even if we could, it wouldn't be before dark. I found the most awesome tree right away. It was like a fifty foot tree but forty-five foot of it was only trunk. Mom wouldn't give the tree a chance; but, if she had let us hack off the forty-five foot trunk we didn't need we would have had the perfect five foot tree she wanted without any hassle -- but noooo-- she wanted to keep looking. (Trust me, she regrets it!) The next tree I found had charachter, it had a funky shape to it and I loved it. Mom didn't, she said she didn't want a Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

Fast forward a little bit and we're still looking. Mom is asking me to look at a map because she wants to find a field where she thinks a good tree will be growing. When I realize I can't read the map I notice it is getting dark, and seriously, within five minutes it is pitch black outside. I guess the fog kept us from noticing the suns descent. At this point Mom is gripping the only way we'll ever find a tree is if it is growing in the middle of the road because we can't see anything. It starts lightening which helped. I thought so anyway because we could see all the trees every couple of minutes. Even if it was only for a few seconds. Mom didn't exactly agree. At this point we're all driving down a little dirt road in the middle of the woods hanging out the windows trying to find a Christmas tree with our headlights and a tiny flashlight that you have to shake to get light from. Believe it or not Greg and Mom were still very choosey. We passed up several perfectly good trees because either Greg complained it was too small or Mom complained it was too see-through. It wasn't very long before the rain caught up with the lightening. At first it just sprinkled but with one very loud crack of lightening it began to pour. Mom started totally wigging out at this point. Evidenly there is some little part on the vanigan that makes the whole thing quit when it gets wet and the little dirt road we were driving on was quickly becoming a little stream. We did okay until we got to a part of the road that was completely washed out. Mom got out and walked through the puddle trying to figure out which part was shallower because turning around probably meant getting stuck in the mud. After alot of trecking through the puddle and second guessing herself at the wheel she finally floored it through the puddle. She was seriously freaking out at this point. Hypervenilating and everything.

It didn't take long to get to an even bigger puddle. This time it was my turn to go through the puddle. Imagine me in the middle of a thunder and lightening storm in my church clothes (yes, I thought we would find a tree in time to make it to church) walking through a puddle. Mom made it through again without the vanigan dying so we kept going. Mom was not looking for a tree at this point. I kept telling her to slow down so I could see better but she wanted to get to the main road as quickly as possible. Yep, my Mom was driving on four bald tires. No tread whatsoever on a slippery wet dirt road up and down hills in the middle of the forest with no cell phone service. Somehow we made it safely to a paved road and miracle of miracles the perfect Christmas tree was growing right in our headlights. Mom didn't listen to Gregs complaints of it being to small this time. Using two serrated bread knifes and a dull hatchet we cut down Mom's Christmas tree in the middle of the storm. It's a wonder that we didn't get struck by lightening!



I had SO much fun but I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to talk Josh out of his artificial tree any time soon after this adventure. Oh and that vanigan part that wasn't supposed to get wet stayed dry driving through two huge puddles but it got wet on the bridge going over the lake out of the woods. Mom coasted over the bridge and then we followed her all the way home stop and go the whole way. It was the best Christmas tree search ever!