I have avoided this blog post.
Out of shame.
Fear.
In-explainable pain & heartache.
Last time I wrote I admitted to struggling with my current foster loves and wrote about the turmoil that was our daily existence. I wrote to be honest. I wrote to remember the pain because I fully expected God to heal it with time so well that I wouldn't remember how bad it was. I wrote with fierce determination to love them through it all no matter what. Completely confident that God would supply whatever we needed to stay the course to permanency. TPR (last major court milestone before officially pursuing adoption) was fast approaching and after two years together adoption was on the horizon and the intended destination.
The thing is, living in foster care is living in limbo. TPR had been postponed over and over again. As an adult, I struggle when I don't know what to expect. These babies struggled and struggled hard. To the point that our other children were beyond miserable. They were suffering varied levels of abuse and it came to a point as parents we couldn't ask them to love and forgive and turn the other cheek a second longer. We had to step in and protect them.
Oh, the anguish!
We didn't want any of our kids' childhood to be marred forever with the idea that Mom & Dad loved 'them' more. None of our kids need to feel less deserving of love and protection. Not my babies. Not my foster loves. We had to face the fact that we couldn't provide permanency for our foster loves "no matter what" and provide everyone with a safe, loving, abuse-free environment. I found a notebook where one of my kids wrote that she wished she could just die because of how one of my foster loves was treating her. Another came to me with tears in her eyes and said, "I don't think I can do this any longer." So I made the hardest call of my life and asked the "system" to look for a new adoptive placement. I just didn't see any other choice. And when the social worker asked me if she could come to see us and work with us to develop a plan to make this work because we had been together so long and were so close to adoption I gave her a flat out no. I felt like a monster who was kicking half her family out. Even worse, I really was that monster.
For so long I had struggled with this placement in various ways for various reasons that aren't fully my story to tell. So I won't. But I had latched onto this idea that despite the struggle I had to keep going. If I gave them up I was a failure. As if their futures rested in my hands. As if I was their Savior, not God. I pleaded and asked God for a sign that we were to be their forever home and I found out a baby was on the way after nine years and a basic understanding that my days of having my own babies were long gone. I took this as my sign from God. Adopting them plus a baby on the way meant our family was complete. Our time of fostering was coming to an end and all of our focus would be put towards healing from trauma. I was on my knees daily, hourly, pleading for love overflowing and an overwhelming peace despite the trauma storm that raged around us. I announced our pregnancy simultaneously announcing our adoption plans. An announcement I have since deleted from my facebook wall because it hurts to look back on. We bought a 15 passenger van because we were planning on permanency. We signed a 10k dollar contract to waterproof our basement so we could finish it out and add more bedrooms because we were planning for permanency. I share these things just to show we were all in. In every way possible. Life was hard, but we knew God could sustain us so we plugged on ahead as if everything rested on our shoulders. We wouldn't take the easy way out -- no. We would fight through this trial no matter what, no matter how long, because it was the right thing and we could not, would not dare, fail these kids.
And then I failed them.
Utterly.
Miserably.
Spectacularly.
Totally failed at mothering these kids.
A few days after my phone call asking them to look for a new home I stood in church, surrounded by worship, and I just cried out to God. Why? Why? Why? My foster loves surrounded me on all sides. All three literally had their arms around me vying for my love and affection. Why? Why God? Why didn't you answer my prayers? You're in me and You can do the impossible so why didn't You fill me with love for them? Why did You give me this baby that rolls and kicks in response to their hugs that surround me if I am not keeping them? Will You take the baby because I failed on my end of the bargain? Do I really even know You? Do I even know when You speak to me at all? Plain as day it was seared into my heart, "I didn't answer your prayers because if you felt love for them the way you wanted to you wouldn't be able to survive giving them up like you have to and the baby is a gift to ease the pain and to bring joy amidst the sorrow of letting them go." Despite hearing so clearly I still wrestled and struggled so hard. I didn't even share it with my husband for days. Did I ever hear from God? Am I making this all up? So much doubt about my relationship with God crept in. Was I even His if I couldn't distinguish His voice? I thought God had told me the baby was confirmation for keeping them forever. Now the baby is a consolation for letting them go? I am a crazy woman who doesn't know the voice of her Savior. I went back and forth nonstop for days and weeks on end. Even after they had gone.
Eventually, a dear lady from church who must have sensed the anguish and warfare all over me took me to breakfast and I opened up to her about my doubts and conflicting messages from God and she brought me confirmation that the message I received in church really was from the Lord and peace has crept into my heart. Everything still hurts and I still pick apart all the ways I screwed up over the last two years because I'm human. I have to stop and remind myself that I am not the Savior. God is. He loves them more than I ever could have hoped to. I may never fully know why I couldn't be their Momma. I trust God has a plan. In the midst of our decision making my dear sweet husband reminded me that our Squish left and returned to be adopted even though that was 100% impossible, so putting in our notice wouldn't screw up God's plan if they were meant to be with us. There is nothing we can do to mess up His plan. I find so much Grace in knowing that He is in control and we literally can't screw it up.
They have been gone for almost three whole months now and I haven't gotten a reply to my inquiries about their well-being. I don't know if they will ever make their way back into our lives in any capacity. I hope they have landed in the perfect home where they are happy, healthy, and thriving beyond what they were able to be with us. All I know for sure is God is in control and I can trust He knows best for them and for us. He will use all of this mess for His Glory, despite my flawed involvement.
Life isn't going the way I thought it would but none of this mess surprises God and I'm not screwing it all up because I don't have the power to thwart God's plan. (Nor do you!) I'll just keep showing up, spend time in the Word, and walk one foot in front of the other trusting God every step of the way.
Even when that leads down a different path than I had expected.
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