Why Time In the Word Is So Important

A few weeks ago I found out I had to say goodbye to the first child I thought it was realistically safe to expect to adopt. Sure the word adoption had been thrown out and around before, but this was more concrete. I thought I was going to get a front row seat to watch God transform this baby I didn't make, but whole heartedly loved as if I did, from broken, abused and unwanted to loved, treasured, and desperately hoped for. Fully expecting that one day he would be healed from the trauma he never deserved. Fortunately this sweet child is still going to get those things, it's just not going to be here with me like I had hoped for.

When all this went down I spiraled hard and fast. My feet were knocked out from under me and my breath was completely knocked out of me. I didn't know if I could get up again. If I would ever breathe again. Or even want to. Why go through the pain of taking in and loving a child who is utterly devastated and broken if they're just going to take that child away and not let me see it through to the other side?

I started to dream of running away. My husband has been on unemployment for far too long and the only offers he gets for work he declines because they would take us away from where we are now. If we leave here we would have to step away from fostering for at least a season. The temptation to quit foster care, to walk away from the trauma and the heartache of it all, has never been so strong in my life. We could take a job somewhere, anywhere, and our tiny core family of five could live the simple life. Traveling and chasing after jobs. Touring the country and soaking up life together. Away from all the bondage of foster care.

On top of the overwhelming desire to run away from foster care was the soul crushing searing pain of loss and grief and ultimately fear that gripped my heart and mind. Feelings of failure and mistakes. The what-ifs. Frantically trying to make the wrongs right and fix it somehow. Utterly helpless in fixing anything.

I was being tossed around in the waves of life. Hurricane level swells were leaving me broken and battered, deprived of the air I desperately needed to live. I wasn't alone in my grief. I had a life raft in the storm to cling to. My journal was filled with the whispers that God had been speaking to my heart. His words that spoke intimately to me in the quiet of my mornings. I knew I was drowning so I thumbed through my journal and reviewed the exact verses that God led me to find each day and what He whispered to me in a real and personal way ministered to me. These stories, these snippets that God spoke to me through. They were what kept me afloat. Kept my head above water.

For the past thirteen weeks this is some what God has been speaking to me.

In Genesis when Adam and Eve stood unashamedly naked before God, He whispered to me that I was His and He wanted me to stand exposed unashamedly just the way I am and allow others to see what He can do.

When Cain was angry and dejected because God did not accept the offering of some of his crops I was reminded that I needed to give God the first and the best of all that I had to offer.

When Noah was told to build a boat and fill it with all the living creatures I was mesmerized by the fact that Noah didn't go on a safari looking for all the animals he needed for his floating zoo. He just built the boat. God took care of the details and Noah didn't waste one iota of time worrying about things he had no control over.

When Noah sat in the boat for months patiently waiting for the earth to dry God reminded me there are seasons of waiting, times of growing and trusting.

When Job cried out to God in despair because he had lost everything including his children I was reminded that my life needed to be spent focusing on what truly matters. Not worldly things that are ultimately a waste.

When God spoke to Job from the whirlwind I realized I have tunnel vision and I am too consumed with myself.

When Job acknowledged God's complete authority I had to acknowledge it as well. God is able to be in complete control of all things and no one can stop God.

When the people tried to build the tower of Babel I realized my focus needed to be making God look good not me.

When God was assuring Abram that he would be protected and rewarded and didn't need to be afraid He was assuring me that He had my back in all things.

When God promised Abram a son and Sarai couldn't fathom how that could be she made a huge mess and God reminded me to wait on Him in all things and to never ever take things into my own hands.

When Lot was dragged to safety by angels I was reminded to lay down my idols of comfort and never grow weary of praying for the ones I love.

When Abraham made assumptions and acted out of fear I was reminded to trust God to move in all situations that have potential problems.

When God tested Abraham I was reminded to sacrifice myself for others.

When Rachel watered camels I was reminded to go above and beyond when serving others.

When Esau sold his birthright for soup I was reminded to never sacrifice something with eternal value for comfort today.

When Jacob slept and saw the spiritual realm around him I was reminded that God is here with me.

When Leah learned to praise God, even from a life as the unwanted and unloved wife, God reminded me to praise Him in all the things.

When God provided for Jacob he whispered He would provide for me as well.

When Esau forgave Jacob I was reminded to respond to hurts with love and forgiveness.

When God gave Joseph loyal love He whispered to me that I could trust His loyal love for me.

When Joseph gave God the credit I was reminded to do the same.

When there was famine and Jacob told his sons to get a move on and go buy some grain God whispered to me to stop standing frozen in fear.

When Judah took complete responsibility sacrificing himself for his little brother I was reminded to live out a life of self-sacrifice.

In the middle of the famine God spoke to me that just like the Egyptians completely sold all they had to Pharaoh all that I have and am is God's.

Jacob and Rachel and Leah taught me that broken places lead to God and the midwives in Egypt taught me to obey God not man.

Moses taught me to take it all to God. He alone knows all, understands all, and remembers all. I need to be patient and trust God with the big picture, to pay attention when God speaks, to find stability in Christ, to pray and seek God's presence when unable to see the way before me, to keep calm and let God handle it, and to cry out to God for help. That mercy is greater than wrath, and I should rely on the light of God's word. God sanctifies. God skilled me for a purpose. That a lack of Godly counsel and leadership leads to bad choices, if I want a sunnier disposition I need more time with God and above all else I need to pray constantly.

In Leviticus I learned to freely worship and rest in the Lord and what He has done, that it is all God. I am not able.

In Numbers God reminded me to not whine or complain, to trust him completely. To not tuck tail and run. To trust God in the scary places. That the dry and wretched places have a purpose.

In Deuteronomy God reminded me that he would see me through the great and terrible wilderness patches in my life. He would fight for me. He would sustain me. That it was my choice to choose life and blessings by choosing to hold close to Him. That He alone is my good life, my abundant life, and fulfillment.

In Joshua God reminded me that he doesn't call me to the simple easy life. He calls me to be steadfast and determined to the life that He has called me to. A life dead to self and completely surrendered to His kingdom. That the secret to prosperous successful life was in the Word. To not stress the long term and just trust God to get me through the day.

In Judges I had to acknowledge that my heart longs to worship idols. That my troubles were reminders to stop lusting after worthless idols and turn back to fully devoted to following the Lord. No matter what. No matter where. That doubts lead to making decisions based on human reckoning and no good comes of that. To not live selfishly or self indulgently because its not about me or what I want or what I think looks best. It's about giving all that I am to God. That ultimately God has a plan and a purpose and my shortcomings won't overthrow it.

In Ruth God whispered to be a Boaz. To provide protection, abundant provision and love to the people he has placed around me. To be a woman of excellence. Known to be loyal, kind, hardworking, and above all else open to instruction.

Thirteen weeks in the Old Testament full of lessons I needed to survive this unexpected storm that has swept me away. Much of what I needed to survive God gave to me before I ever even knew I would so desperately cling to it drowning in a deep dark place.

I'm fairly confident I'm not the only one who has been swept away by the storms of life. I promise if you're alive life will try to sweep you away as well. You need a life raft. And God wants to meet you in His word and help you build one. If you would like to know how to start. Check this out. As for me, I can't wait to dive in and see what God has for me today.

*As always when blogging about foster care details are obscured and fudged to protect the identities of the children. 

Beauty in the Broken Bits

When we last went to the beach my babies kept bringing me nets full of broken shell pieces. At first I was slowly, every so sneakily, discarding them. Then I stopped and looked at them.

The colors.

The lines.

The patterns.

Absolutely breathtaking despite all that is missing.

My tender broken areas center around the world of foster care and mothering in general right now. The millions of ways I fail every day. The kids I have failed. The kids the system failed. Red tape that hinders and holds us back. The overwhelming surge of need I can do precious little to help with. The brokenness of it all seems so utterly beyond hope.

The thing is you don't have to be involved in foster care to be broken.

To live is to live broken.

It is all so ridiculously hard and the waves keep knocking you down and pulling you under and before you know it you've completely shattered into a bazillion pieces and you know you'll never be whole again.

I have spent the last couple of weeks deep in Genesis mired down in the story of the life of Jacob (Israel) & his son Joseph. I have become captivated with the life of Leah. Leah was wed to Jacob when all he really wanted was her little sister. Her one week anniversary gift was quite literally a sister wife. She was left unwanted and unloved. Much later in their story. After Leah herself was long buried. Jacob was giving his son Joseph instructions on where he would be buried. Despite a life loving and doting on her little sister and eventually many long years mourning for her his final resting place was to be beside his unwanted, unloved wife. Thanks to the perspective we have so many years removed from their lives, we also know that despite her low status in the eyes of her husband, she gave birth to the son who was to carry on the royal line that would one day lead to Christ.

To be honest I wasn't really sure what God wanted to show me personally through the life of Leah but I was captivated by her. Imagining the pain she must have felt every single day of her life after her husband woke up in their marriage bed and realized she was not who he wanted. Poor Leah. What pain and anguish she must have lived with.

Imagining her broken heart I found a message of hope, perhaps even encouragement, to those who live broken. Through Leah's life of sorrow and immense pain the path to Christ was given.

Maybe our broken hurtful places are there for a purpose. That purpose is to point us to Christ. We can't possibly get to Him without the broken. That is the truly beautiful part. He endures the pain of allowing us to be broken, allows us the pain of being broken, because living through brokenness is the only way to Christ.

So many cry out in pain.

Unfair!

Why me? 

Living mired down in pain and sorrow.

The truth is, the pain, the broken bits, are the stones that pave the way to Christ. To being whole and radiantly complete.

We can't get there without first being broken. If we weren't broken. We wouldn't need Him. 

What in life is breaking you to pieces right now? Will you pray and ask God to help you see the beauty and redemption in your brokenness? What are your beautiful bits?

Mine are the successes and triumphs of the ones I once failed. The warm squishy lump in my lap ever so slowly learning to trust in my Momma's love despite all the reasons she is justified in never trusting  again. The child who presses her body into mine; so desperate for love and attention it seems as if she is literally trying to fuse our two bodies into one. It is the child who is succeeding where there was once failure and no will to even try any longer. It is the laughter and the shrieks of joy despite the pain that has been endured. It is above all else my broken places, where God's love shines through, in spite of me. It is all around me. In the very fabric of our noisy, messy, broken lives.

Will you follow the broken path to find your own way to Christ?

He alone can make you whole.

Yes,

you are broken.

But you are so very beautiful... 

and you fit into His masterpiece.

Just let Him in.

Refocus

Once upon a time I had a dream.

It involved a ton of kids, a big house, and in it I would have done important things that would make my stay here on earth worthwhile.

I spent a lot of time dreaming of how perfect things would be... someday.

Someday I'll have the perfect big garden.

Someday I'll have the perfect chicken coop with fresh eggs.

Someday I'll have enough rooms and beds for a zillion kids.

Someday I'll have the perfect play area.

Someday I'll have the perfect library and school room.

Someday I'll have the perfect backyard.

Someday.

Someday.

Someday.

Forget someday.

Forget perfect.

All I have is today.

Today all that I have is good enough.

My little house with banged up walls and missing trim. With an overgrown backyard and a broken back porch.

It may not be perfect. But its good enough. And its being used today.

Photo Credit

Better Late than Never: Giving Thanks in 2010

Hello Blogosphere!

So obviously I've been on a blogging hiatus.
It's very much intentional.

I've been re-evaluating my 'online presence' and trying to decide what is right for me and my family. I am still working through this and haven't made any concrete decisions on how much or little I am going to blog/tweet/post to facebook but I decided I wanted to pop online and write a much needed Thanksgiving post... who cares how late I am... it's never to soon or to late to give thanks.

Right?
Just agree with me here, even if you technically don't.

So...

To say this year has been turbulent for me is the understatement of the century. Simply because I have had such a turbulent year I feel it is more important than ever to shout my thankfulness from the rooftops... or at least publish into blogosphere public record. I am not taking the time to write this in my normal 'writing' fashion. Meaning I am not writing the rough draft by hand and editing as I type. Instead I'm just punching this out on my keyboard and posting it.

RAW
UN-edited
UN-censored

I feel so naughty.

Bad grammar will abound and I don't care. This post isn't about writing well, or making a lot of sense. This is about me looking long and hard at the tough things in my life, and learning to be thankful. Yes, you read that right... learning... it doesn't always come natural to be thankful and yet that is what we are called to be... in ALL things never-the-less!

So, in the year twenty-ten I have decided to be the most thankful for the following:

My husband's job. Phew, that is hard to admit. I hate my husband's job. The last time he was home was the week before Halloween. It's now December. You do the math. It sucks. BIG TIME! Funny though how God can take something you hate and detest and teach you alot through it anyway. So this year I find it not only possible but downright necessary to be thankful for my hubby's job and all that it has taught me.  Of course there are the obvious lessons like how much I truly madly deeply love my husband and how much I took his presence for granted. Then there is the slightly less obvious, like the fact that I was putting our relationship before my relationship with God.  Something that I am still learning to fix. (Am I the only slow learner?) Read it here right now because I may never admit it again... but I really am truly thankful for your dumb job Josh. ;0)

Loneliness. I am thankful for the season of loneliness that I am experiencing foremost because it has deepened my relationship with my Creator. It has helped bridge the gap between head knowledge and heart knowledge in many areas of scripture so I am thankful for the heart-wrenching pain of loneliness that helped me to move from simply knowing scripture to truly fully experiencing the power of scripture. I'm sure I still have much to learn but I have grown by leaps and bounds this year. Thank you Jehovah-Raah for bringing me to the point where I had no one to turn to but YOU.

Financial Insecurity. For it has taught me how frivolous 'things' are and has shown me how wasteful I have been in the past. Things in life fall into one of two categories. Wants and needs. It's amazing how unbalanced those two lists are. I never in all my life realized how short the need list really is. I am so thankful that I have had an opportunity to learn now, so that for the rest of my life I can grab hold of what is truly important in life. I can't think of a better way to learn how to use money wisely than by not having any to spend in the first place. Next time I have a couple bucks I now know how much I can do without, enabling any meager income to be put to better use than it ever would have been if we hadn't experienced the financial insecurity this past year has brought.

That's about it. Not exactly a super long list but those are the biggies for me this year. Of course there are about ten zillion other things I am thankful for, but these three have definitely been the hardest for me to deal with and in turn the most fruitful to be thankful for.

Your turn. What really yucky junk is in your life that you need to be thankful for? 1st Thessalonians 5:8 says to give thanks in ALL things... not just the good/pleasant/enjoyable things... there is a reason for it. Join me and give thanks! 

Who doesn't like a good debate?

The little country town in which I live was recently torn in two by the very same controversy that has gained significant national coverage in a city slightly larger than my own.

Ok I lied.

A bigger city.

Much Bigger!

Yet still the controversy swirls here among farmers and a whole lot of country church goers much in the same way it engulfs the city slickers.

Some people want a mosque. 

Some people don't like it very much 

that some people want a mosque built.

Some more people don't like the fact 

that some people don't like it very much

that some people want a mosque built.

...and this is the house that jack built....

As with any good controversy there are two sides. Both sides are right. Both sides are wrong.

Naturally.

Since the controversy erupted I knew I wanted to write about it. At first I wanted to write about how crazy upset I was with those who claim Christ and yet are known solely by what they are against instead of by what they are for. I wanted to say seriously folks. 

Christian folks. 

L-O-V-E 

It's a command!

Not an option.

Just saying.

Though I personally didn't oppose the mosque itself I then decided I wanted to write about the topic of tolerance that it brought up. Not necessarily in relation to the mosque but just how sick of tolerance I am. Jesus wasn't tolerant, God certainly isn't tolerant. Why on earth should *I* worry about being tolerant. Just because tolerance is popular... uhm no. Let me step outside of myself and just say no. HECK no! Tolerance has Got.To.Go!

Life was busy. I didn't take time to write. (I hadn't yet had my great idea to feed my children cheap cardiac arrest burgers in order to get a moment to myself.) And the controversy died down.

BUT then I read something that bothered me. It was made by a professing christian in reference to Muslims. 

Friendship aside.

Spiritual beliefs aside.

Ir*q war aside.

Muslims ARE PEOPLE. 

God loves PEOPLE. 

'nuff said. 

It bugged the crap outta me. Just ask my husband. I ranted and raved to him for hours on end about the principle behind it. I ranted and raved about the "some people" who were all upset on both sides. I went on and on about my disgust with the situation. Sweet guy listened.to.it.all.

Bless him.

Let me tell you one thing about my husband. He has a very cool gift. I am in awe and super jealous of this ability he has. He can listen to me ramble for days on end about something and then condense it into one short concise sentence that gets the point across. 

I envy short concise sentences that are capable of speaking volumes. 

I bet you have been wishing I'd a gotten to the point three paragraphs ago! 

See my point?!?

I can't say anything in one sentence!

Utterly BRILLIANT that man is!

What follows is my husband's words. {He made me promise to give him the credit when I finally got all my thoughts on paper.} So here it goes.. short.. concise.. to the point.. volumes my friends.. VOLUMES.. and somewhat WAY better put than I would have ever said myself!

Christians just need to be more like the Muslims

in that our faith needs to be noticed by outsiders?

Bet that one takes a couple days to soak in.

And because I have an addiction to words and can't keep my mouth shut I'll add my two cents now...

Seriously, go to wal-mart. See the muslims? Sure you do. They stick out like sore thumbs. Can you pick out the Christians? Can you find anyone from which love ooozes so supernaturally you think, that person, that one right there, they MUST be a Christ follower!?!

So Christian... does your neighbor have you pegged as the Jesus following type? Do your co-workers? Do the people that meet you in rush hour traffic? The ones in the check-out line? What about the people sitting at the table adjacent to yours at the restuarant?

Does the way you go about your day to day life outside of the church building scream out to others that you are a Christ follower?

I'll be the first to confess no.

A Christmas Letter from Jesus

First, I would like to mention this is November and we have yet to celebrate Thanksgiving. I think people such as my very near and dear friend Darci are absolutely nutso for putting up Christmas tree's already and personally refuse to even begin thinking about celebrating Christmas until after this month of Thanks and Gratitude is complete. To each his own though...

That being said it is getting to be that time of year again and already I am reading and hearing about the big debate of Holiday verses Christmas. I totally respect what organizations such as AFA are trying to do with the "Keep Christ in Christmas Campaign" and yet sometimes I feel we Christians are kinda missing the point. I don't know who wrote this letter and wish that I could give credit where credit is due but at this time I can't. All I can do is pass this along. Obviously it wasn't really written by Jesus, but I do think that based on our knowledge of who Jesus was and is (based on Scripture) that He would totally agree with the points herein. I would love to hear what you think!

Dear Children,

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of your predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being remembered anytime.


How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.


Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.


Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, look up John 15: 1 - 8.


If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth, here is my wish list. Choose something from it:


1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.


2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.


3. Instead of writing Obama complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up. It will be nice hearing from you again.


4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.


5. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.


6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.


7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families


8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary-- especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name. {My addition: This is a good missionary to support that I know personally!}


9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.


Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love, and remember...

I LOVE YOU

-Jesus

I would like to reiterate that these are not the actual words of Jesus. Just one really cool person's imaginative expression of what Jesus might say to us in a Christmas letter applicable to our current day and age. So what did you think? Could you add anything to this letter?

Can you see Him in others?

Lately I have been discouraged and at times even appalled by discussions and arguments between those who claim Christ as their Savior and those who don't. {Both IRL* and in the blogosphere.} There are so many heated discussions about things pertaining to faith and personal decision making. It seems like everyone has an opinion and makes it their personal mission in life to make those who have differing viewpoints see the error of their ways.

*IRL: in real life

Unfortunately this doesn't seem to be done in a loving or kind manner. Sure some people say things in a nice way but underneath the nice words there is underlying hostility on all sides of the debates. It has brought to mind something I read a few months ago. I read and reviewed a book Notes From The Tilt-A-Whirl: Wide-Eyed Wonder in God's Spoken World
written by N.D. Wilson. Hidden within it was this little gem of a thought...

"{We each} bear the image of God. But neither of us bears it completely."

Think about that for a minute... or two. Editor's Note: It is important to mention that I am considering this from a Biblically grounded viewpoint. For those of you reading this who may not be from that type of background I want you to know that this is in the context of the fact there IS a creator God who created all men and women in His image. {This fact is not up for speculation or discussion for the purposes of this post... it just IS.} When God created us, He placed within us, EACH of us, a visible mark or feature of Himself. We all bear the image of God.

Saved?
Lost?
It makes no difference!

God created us all in His image.

That being said, none of us bear the image of God completely. Sure, some of us more so than others. { I sure would hope that someone who claims to follow God would more closely resemble Him than someone who chooses to live denying His existence.} Yet, most certainly we can agree that none of us can boast of bearing God's image completely.

I venture to say that in all our differing opinions it would do us all some good to quit attacking those with opinions that differ from our own. { Both IRL and in blog-land! } Let us remember to take into account that God loves us all equally no matter where we are in relationship to him. { Whether we be devoted followers or outright disbelievers. } God doesn't play favorites and neither should we.

If you consider yourself to be a believer who follows God's commands I challenge you (myself included) to find a way to spread the love and forgiveness, and grace, and mercy God extends to you rather than logically trying to argue or force feed your opinions and views down another's throat. God doesn't impose himself on anyone - we shouldn't take it upon ourselves to do it for Him. If you feel like another is misled or misguided secretly and privately pray for that person while publicly loving on them. If we are who we claim to be, we should be known first and foremost for our LOVE.

Finally, for the person who is struggling to decide exactly who God is, or has decided to follow a belief system that doesn't revolve around Christ, or to those who don't believe in God at all - yes especially to you - I personally want to apologize {Again!} if you have ever been made to feel as if you are a bad person by a Christian.


The truth is we're all broken and sinful people. We each bear a glimmer of who God is.... but none of us fully!

What is good?

Good.

What is Good?

Actions? Doing and saying the right thing?

Or is it deeper than that? Should we look beyond actions to the intentions behind them?

I suppose if we consider that evil intentions are sometimes hidden behind actions that appear good, then we really should look beyond the action itself. Or should we? Sometimes I do something intending it to be a good thing; and yet, somewhere between my intention and my action wires get crossed. The action I commit is nothing like my intention at all. Do my pure intentions outweigh the wrong actions? Do they render the wrong action to a good one despite the apparent lack of goodness in the outcome?

Should we go deeper?

Can we?

Is it that which spurs our intentions to action? The motivation behind it all? Such a tricky thing to consider - motivation. Can we truly pinpoint our motivations? We think we can, but do we fool ourselves? I think so.

I like to think of myself as a good person. A good person who does the right thing because of good intentions and a pure motivation.

Who am I kidding?

If I am brave enough to lay everything aside and stop lying to myself. If I look deep enough at who I am - REALLY look at myself. I would have to admit that which is left - when all the facade is striped away - is anything but good.

Those things which are the core of my being are putrid. Evil. Sinful. There is nothing good in me. No pure motivation, No good intentions. No good actions.

Nothing.
Good.
At.
All.

All the effort in the world couldn't make me any better. There simply isn't any good thing in me. That which appears good is generally evil masquerading itself. I am to smart to sin openly and obviously. I am a master of disguise. I am human flesh.

But that is not all I am.
I am more than just flesh and bone.
By the Grace of God I am more difficult to understand.
I am a complicated individual.

You see...When I chose to believe that Jesus Christ was God in flesh. That He died for my sins. That by His own power was raised from the dead... my life was filled with HIS righteousness. I became a spiritual being.

I am complicated because at the core of who I am, I am two people. I have two separate identities inside of me. Clashing trying to establish dominance. My flesh waring against God's Spirit.

At any given moment, in making any given decision I have a choice to make.

I can choose to indulge my flesh.
I can satisfy my longing for what I want. What feels right. What feels good. What is enjoyable. What is easiest. That which is desirable. To my advantage. Good for me right here, right now. In this brief moment in time.

Or

I can submit to God's spirit.
I can choose to make the decision God wants for me based on the Truth found in His Word. It might not be what I initially want. I might have to make a tough choice. I might have to bite my tongue, turn the other cheek, or go without something I think I want. It might be harder. It might take longer.

But
Its
ALWAYS
Worth
It
!

Submitting to the Spirit is NOT denying my flesh the good things in life. It is NOT depriving my flesh of enjoyment. Nor is it declining the option of satisfaction.

Here
on earth
we are tormented
by evil.

There is a deceiver that tricks us into believing that satisfying our flesh makes us happy. That what we want in life is what we need. That submitting to God is giving up something wonderful for that which is less desirable.



What a travesty.


Gluttonously feeding our fleshly desires may lead to satisfaction for a while. You can bet that desperation is always stealthily creeping up from behind. You won't see it coming until its to late. The flesh is never EVER satisfied. It always needs more. Can you argue otherwise?

My God doesn't want to take something from you.
He wants to give you something.


Satisfaction.

In my heart and mind I know these things. I know that war is being waged inside of me. I know His Spirit in me will ultimately triumph over this flesh. Why then does the battle continue? Why can I not conquer my flesh now? Once and for all! I know my flesh wreaks havoc within me. I feel the Spirit's prodding. I know that submitting to the Spirit is my only chance at true joy. Why then is it that I remain so vile and putrid at my core.

Why do I continue then, to do those things which I know I shouldn't. Why don't I do those things that I KNOW I should.*

Pride... a dirty little monster that lurks in the shadow's of my being. Pleasure and satisfaction derived from my achievements, admired qualities and possessions. My dignity. My importance. My very own personal thorn in the flesh


Know this:

No matter how things appear, I am nothing but a dirty rotten stinking sinner. If you could see just a smidgen of who I really am you would not make eye contact with the likes of me.

If you see a glimmer of good in me.

It is NOT me at all.

It is HIM.