I'll NEVER...

Before having children we all have lists of "I'll never's" that get trashed. You know, "I'll never let my child watch t.v. or I'll never co-sleep,"  Junk food, bribery, and so on. All the taboo Mommy tactics that literally become your saving grace when you're functioning on zero sleep and haven't showered in more days than you care to admit to.

I had a Foster Mommy list of I'll never's. 

I'll NEVER say no to a kid who needs a home. 

I'll NEVER send a kid away. No matter how hard it gets they are totally worth the commitment. 

Looking back I can see that I was actually quite self righteous about it. I guess I should have known the fall was coming. "Pride goes before the fall" after all.

Well, we shattered my "I'll Never" list this past week. Our teenage foster daughters have been moved out of our home. One was put in a group home to go through a program before they start looking for a new, preferably adoptive, foster home for her. That was not technically our choice but we did have a choice to keep the second one. We chose not to.

I told the social worker, "if you take one you're taking both because they are both equally at fault for the conflict between them and in this home."  It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and as a result they both packed their bags and left. 

Then if that wasn't bad enough when we got a phone call asking us to take in another teenage girl I said a loud and resounding no. {Gasp!} Honestly, if we were going to take in a teenage girl it would be the two that had just left. We learned that teenagers are not what our family needs right now. And as guilty as I feel about it we are learning that its ok to feel that way.

It has been kind of surreal. It is the longest stretch of no foster kids we've had since being licensed a little over a year. We are actually about to hit week three. 

It has been a time of mourning and a time of healing for my sweet little family.

Fostering two unrelated teenage girls is by far the hardest thing we have ever done. We made a lot of mistakes along the way that I wish I could go back and fix. But we learned from each and every one and in the future, when our girls are teenagers or when we accept teenagers again down the road. We will be alot wiser.

Starting out on the foster parenting journey, despite training, we were just SO green. 

What kids will you take?" they asked. 

Any gender, any age, as long as there is no threat of sexual abuse to our children. We of course can handle ANYthing and are the type who accept ANYone.  GREEN

"What are your house rules?" they asked. Rules? Ah well, we don't really have any rules. Let's see... We're pretty relaxed, just treat each other the way you want to be treated and be respectful. No foul language. Yup, thats about it. Can't think of anything else. Just use common sense and if anything comes up we'll deal with it.  I actually thought teenagers equalled maturity and a need for more freedom and less rules!  GREEN!!!

Let me assure you we are a little less green now. We have a list of rules I'm praying over right now so long I literally have to cut some out because they really want you to limit it to 10 so as to not overwhelm new kids. It was all we could do to come up with three measly ones at first! 

Boundaries, blessed boundaries. Kids need 'em. And the basic common sense ones my kids are raised by aren't really common sense to teenagers who have never had a true loving authority figure in their lives. Lesson learned. 

We have also decided that we don't want to take in any kids who are teenagers or have that rebellious mindset because my biological kids at 3, 6, & 8 look up to the 'big' kids in our home and idolize them. In their eyes they are superstars and they can't wait to be JUST LIKE THEM. Not such a good thing when the teenager you've taken in is learning what it means to submit to loving parental authority for the first time ever in her 15/16 years of life. It's cute when they choose to walk around with headphones (hooked up to a toy plastic phone) jammed in their ears because that is what their "big sister" does.  It's not so cute when its slamming doors, screaming "I hate you," and choosing to hide in a closet because you're mad over some silly tiny little thing that didn't go exactly the way you wanted it to.

So yes, it is hard, I feel like a failure. I'm sad that even though we could have adopted, we were "that foster family" that gave them the boot and sent them to live with someone else {again.} I never wanted to be that foster Mom. I wanted to be the one that never gave up. In the end I couldn't do what was best for them and let the three littles suffer for it. I have to protect my girls and if that means saying no every once in a while that is what we will be doing. 

While my kids are young and impressionable we will not be taking in "big kids" any longer. But that doesn't mean that these girls and all the other teenagers out there are horrible and unmanageable. Quite the contrary. They are sweet and loving and super likable. Their good way out weighs the negatives and they deserve good loving homes. So many teenagers need homes and no one wants to take them in because, honestly, they have a lot of baggage and its daunting. Even though its somewhat hypocritical of me to say this, I am going to say it anyway. They are SO worth it! 

We were happy and we thought we would be family forever.
Unfortunately, things don't always work out the way you think or hope they will. 

Just because our family, or another family with young kids at home, isn't a good fit doesn't mean that there aren't good fits out there. I am a firm believer that there are good people out there. Good people who don't have any kids at home. Good people with teenagers or with empty bedrooms from the teenagers who just left home that could be FANTASTIC foster parents SPECIFICALLY for teenagers. I know you are out there and I am on my knees BEGGING you to call Farrah and tell her that you want to foster teenagers.

Do it in honor of my teenage daughters. Some of you met them. They are lovely girls and you love them just like I do. There are several teenagers right here in OUR area who could use a home like YOURS. I can't be that home they need yet so I am going to look for others who can be. Is it you? If so please let me know. I can totally hook you up, and I promise I'll be your respite care provider. If you ever need a break or a date night we'll have a sleep over at my house. I've totally got your back!