I never really planned to be where I am today. I didn't grow up wanting to be a stay at home Mom, let alone a homeschooling Mom. When I married my high school sweetheart we were young. Super young. I was 18 and he was 19. We had no money, we had no real plan for our future. We had nothing but each other and a fierce determination to stay in church no matter what. We both worked at McDonalds and we both were going to college. ( Humble beginnings... then again, not much has changed. ) I was going to be a teacher. Had always wanted to be one... as long as I could remember. He wasn't sure quite yet... maybe something computer related. When we had been married exactly four months I went to the school nurse and found out I was going to have a baby. Yikes! We weren't planning on that anytime soon at all! Having a baby changed me. I realized what God had made me for.
He made me to be a Mommy. (& to love my husband fiercely)
Though I tried working at various times at various places I could never stick with it. I was a Mommy now and that was my life. Nothing was as fulfilling or as rewarding as being a wife and Mom. No amount of income was worth sacrificing time with my baby. I loved being pregnant so when baby number two was discovered I was ecstatic.
It was then that I started dreaming what everyone told me was truly a nightmare. That one day I would have a house filled to the brim with children. God gripped my heart for adoption. I realized I wanted a family that truly reflected the heart of God. I wanted a family of blended ethnicities. I began to want to adopt from every possible country and I prayerfully gave up my desire to ever be pregnant again. A big deal for me since I absolutely love being pregnant. It was not an easy or lightly made decision and it sure took a while to surrender my will to God's. Ashamedly so. I must say its easy to say you'll do anything for God and another thing entirely to truly do anything. I loved being pregnant. I loved having a baby bump. I loved the wonder of feeling the kicks and hiccups. I loved cuddling with a newborn and breathing in that sweet baby smell. It was a lot to give up, but eventually I did so. I surrendered my will to His no matter what. In that moment I had never felt such anguish or heartache but I knew it was what I needed to do.
Month after month my periods would come and go and at the start of each one I would feel the twinge of loss of never having another pregnancy. Each month I would have to spend time in prayer and re-submitting myself to His will. I had to fight through jealousy as I saw others become pregnant, I would have to fight through the feelings of 'its not fair' and yet again resubmit myself to Him. The hardest prayer I've ever prayed is most definitely, "Not my will but Yours." I didn't want to be so stubborn, but I was. Why is it that giving up my will is so hard when I know that He truly has the best possible plan for my life? It is a wonder to me that God puts up with me.
Early summer my periods stopped. I took a few tests but they were all negative. "This is it." I said to myself. God has closed my womb. There definitely won't be any more babies now. I again found it necessary to pray and praise my way through grief. Four months without a period I took my last test. I cried my last tears. I knew that I knew that it was finished. My next babies would be adopted and I was ok with that and I was fully done grieving. It a blessing to not have that monthly reminder of what I was missing.
In December I found out my baby sister was pregnant. "Oh Jennifer," I said. "Wouldn't it be fun if we could both be pregnant." I have no earthly idea why I did it but I got a pregnancy test and took it. I have never in my life taken a pregnancy test and had it show up positive. I have always needed a blood test to confirm pregnancies. I have no clue why I bought and took a test but I did. On a whim. For no reason at all other than to torture myself again for no reason I guess. My hubby was with me when I took it. He asked me how to tell if it was positive. I went over to the test and said, "a line will show up right here if I'm pregnant." As I pointed to the window on the test stick the boldest brightest line I have ever seen materialized literally right in front of our eyes. I nearly passed out. It had been more than seven months since my last period. Pee tests don't work for me. You can't get pregnant without a period, can you?
A doctor visit and an ultra sound later I realized that God has given me a birthday present. My due date is in my birthday month! I don't deserve to be pregnant. I never expected to get to enjoy this again. I am so thankful and so grateful. Yes, we still plan to adopt. I still plan to fill up my house with children from all over the world, but while we are waiting for everything to fall into place for adoption God has given me a baby to help me wait out the long adoption process.
When I told God that I didn't have to have another pregnancy that I would let him fill my family His way I truly thought I would never again experience the thrill and joy of pregnancy again so I am soaking up every minute of every day.
A picture for the Memorial Box.....
It was then that I started dreaming what everyone told me was truly a nightmare. That one day I would have a house filled to the brim with children. God gripped my heart for adoption. I realized I wanted a family that truly reflected the heart of God. I wanted a family of blended ethnicities. I began to want to adopt from every possible country and I prayerfully gave up my desire to ever be pregnant again. A big deal for me since I absolutely love being pregnant. It was not an easy or lightly made decision and it sure took a while to surrender my will to God's. Ashamedly so. I must say its easy to say you'll do anything for God and another thing entirely to truly do anything. I loved being pregnant. I loved having a baby bump. I loved the wonder of feeling the kicks and hiccups. I loved cuddling with a newborn and breathing in that sweet baby smell. It was a lot to give up, but eventually I did so. I surrendered my will to His no matter what. In that moment I had never felt such anguish or heartache but I knew it was what I needed to do.
Month after month my periods would come and go and at the start of each one I would feel the twinge of loss of never having another pregnancy. Each month I would have to spend time in prayer and re-submitting myself to His will. I had to fight through jealousy as I saw others become pregnant, I would have to fight through the feelings of 'its not fair' and yet again resubmit myself to Him. The hardest prayer I've ever prayed is most definitely, "Not my will but Yours." I didn't want to be so stubborn, but I was. Why is it that giving up my will is so hard when I know that He truly has the best possible plan for my life? It is a wonder to me that God puts up with me.
Early summer my periods stopped. I took a few tests but they were all negative. "This is it." I said to myself. God has closed my womb. There definitely won't be any more babies now. I again found it necessary to pray and praise my way through grief. Four months without a period I took my last test. I cried my last tears. I knew that I knew that it was finished. My next babies would be adopted and I was ok with that and I was fully done grieving. It a blessing to not have that monthly reminder of what I was missing.
In December I found out my baby sister was pregnant. "Oh Jennifer," I said. "Wouldn't it be fun if we could both be pregnant." I have no earthly idea why I did it but I got a pregnancy test and took it. I have never in my life taken a pregnancy test and had it show up positive. I have always needed a blood test to confirm pregnancies. I have no clue why I bought and took a test but I did. On a whim. For no reason at all other than to torture myself again for no reason I guess. My hubby was with me when I took it. He asked me how to tell if it was positive. I went over to the test and said, "a line will show up right here if I'm pregnant." As I pointed to the window on the test stick the boldest brightest line I have ever seen materialized literally right in front of our eyes. I nearly passed out. It had been more than seven months since my last period. Pee tests don't work for me. You can't get pregnant without a period, can you?
A doctor visit and an ultra sound later I realized that God has given me a birthday present. My due date is in my birthday month! I don't deserve to be pregnant. I never expected to get to enjoy this again. I am so thankful and so grateful. Yes, we still plan to adopt. I still plan to fill up my house with children from all over the world, but while we are waiting for everything to fall into place for adoption God has given me a baby to help me wait out the long adoption process.
When I told God that I didn't have to have another pregnancy that I would let him fill my family His way I truly thought I would never again experience the thrill and joy of pregnancy again so I am soaking up every minute of every day.
A picture for the Memorial Box.....
3 comments:
Oh Erica what a sweet post. I was crying while reading my way through. I love seeing your faith and strength in God shine through. Such an inspiration! Always praying for you and the family!!
Erica your post are always so inspiring! This one for me especially. It's been a year since I found out I was pregnant in in about 6 weeks it will be a year since I find out I had lost the baby. I understand the month after month torture and also the hope. As I come upon this anniversary I find myself struggling with fear -- fears rather. Fear of never being pregnant again. fear of becoming pregnant only to lose it again. Fear of never carrying and giving birth to my own children. I've prayed and I've seeked answers and God -- faithful as always-- has comforted me. Through His word and through others that had no idea of the pain I was suffering He reminded me that He loves me and that He knows my hearts desires, and also my fears. I pray that God would continue to bless you and your family and that you would continue to share those blessing through your blogs. Thank you for your inspiration!
sorry didn't realize I was under Bryan's account! its Allison :)
Post a Comment