For Sanity's Sake

Now that the fog is starting to dissipate there are thoughts bouncing around in my head I must get out for sanity's sake... please bear with me...so...

Sunday evening on our way out the door we got one of those calls you never want to get. The one where you're told you have to get to the hospital in a hurry because your loved ones have been in an accident. The one where you drive with a ball of dread growing in the pit of your stomach. The one where you pretty much know what awaits you but you're praying like crazy the whole way, hoping you're wrong and everything will be okay - all the same knowing that the knots in your stomach mean its NOT.

When we got to the hospital we were immediately escorted to 'the room.' The room where you are told they are sorry but there was nothing they could do. Josh didn't know what the room meant. He asked me. I didn't have the words. I was a coward. I waited for them to come and tell him. In that room, in the blink of an eye, my husband was orphaned. Is it weird to consider a grown man orphaned? I suppose it is; even still, he feels it just the same. We were told that Mom was gone instantly, with the squeeze of a hand - one last loving embrace shared between brothers - Rod was gone also.

Out for a joy ride. Enjoying the sunshine and the beautiful weather. Enjoying the thrill of the wind in their faces. Enjoying their newest favorite past time. Enjoying the pleasant company of a friend and brother. Anticipating an enjoyable evening. They thought they were headed to dinner. They didn't know they were really headed out into eternity. Such a bitter reminder that any moment could be our last. That all we have is right here. Right now.

It's been a rough week. A week filled with the strangest things. Have you ever had to pick out a casket? The vast array of choices is utterly ridiculous. Does it really matter? We're going to cover it with dirt. Have you ever tried to cram the shared memories of a whole family (and the different facets of relationships they represent) into '2 to 3' songs to be played during a funeral service. Impossible. Do we need anything? I don't know, do we? Haven't got a clue if I had breakfast today or not. We can hardly pay our own bills and now we have to pay for a funeral. We've inherited a monstrous amount of debt. Where is the will? Is there a will? Insurance? What do we do first? Get a lawyer... what lawyer? How in the world do you go about hiring a lawyer? Can we afford a lawyer? What poem do you print on the funeral thingy? What do you call that funeral thingy? Our porch is covered with lilies. They are pretty, but for some reason the pretty white blooms are turning black. Ironic. Meant to bring comfort in our sorrow, yet they sit on our porch withering.. maybe they don't like the heat. I don't know how to care for them. If you sent a lily... thank you. It is beautiful and is truly deeply appreciated. I am also truly sorry I'm killing it. As I said, its been a rough week... for both us and the lilies.

I look at my dear sweet children and my heart grieves. At the tender ages of four and two they have already lost so much. Three of five grandparents are gone. It was hard enough to cope with the fact that they would never be held, or loved on, or spoiled rotten by their Grandaddy. Now they have been cheated again. No more Nana. No more Paw-Paw. No more trips to the campground to ride on the boat or dig in the sand. No more shrieking as Paw-Paw pulls out his teeth. No more trucks named after them. No more promises to one day go on a road trip on the big trucks. No more rides with Nana's top down. { The convertible top folks. } No more running to Paw-Paw for a piece of candy. No more laughing at Nana's ridiculous baby talk. No more rides on the golf cart. Just in case you were wondering... there are never enough memories. Go make more while you can. Nothing hurts more than grieving the memories you'll never get a chance to make....

Sure this isn't our first trip down this road. We're no strangers to tragedy or grief. Three short years ago we said a tearful goodbye to Dad. That was different, on SO many levels. For one, it meant he was finally pain free, finally healed of the painful, crippling cancer that had plagued him for so many years. Most importantly, it was different in that we knew confidently we weren't saying goodbye forever. We knew, that we knew, we would be seeing him again. We knew reunion was in our future. Death, for Dad, was going home. Frankly, we don't know what death was for Mom & Rod, and that is what makes this so very different. So much harder. Now I know its not proper to talk about the possibility of hell. It is much easier to imagine the peace and tranquility of heaven... The truth of the matter is not everyone goes to heaven. It's not doing anyone any good to pretend we all do. Death isn't the end of existence for anyone. It is the door through which we step into eternity. I guess that is why Jesus calls Himself a door in John 10:7.... When you step through the door into eternity you want to be stepping through the Jesus door. The truth of the matter is we don't 100% know if Jesus was their door. We did talk about these things from time to time. Conversations relating to faith and salvation were never easy, but they happened. Not often enough though, we didn't want to irritate them to much. Now the grim reality of hell looms at the forefront of our minds daily. Maybe irritating isn't all bad. That is why this is so different. So much harder. So stinking difficult! Even still we know God is in control. We know He has a plan. Through everything we are thankful and we are praising Him. No matter what, even now, He is faithful.

If anything else please read and understand this. You are not guaranteed tomorrow. If today was your last, or this year was your last, what would you do differently? If I badger you about spiritual things please understand its because I LOVE you. I love you enough to irritate the snot out of you. Did you know where death finds you is where eternity keeps you? Do you know? That you know? For sure? Beyond a shadow of a doubt? What it takes to get into heaven? Do you know its not a prayer? It's not baptism. It's not living a good life. It's not living a moral life. It's not being a 'christian' or Godly person. It's all about a relationship with Jesus Christ. Do you have one? Eternity is forever. Yours could start at any moment. Mom & Rod didn't know what was coming... they were on their way to dinner. Instead of crossing the bridge they saw with their eyes, they crossed through death's door, a door they didn't see even though it was right in front of them. Please make sure you'll be using the Jesus door. You won't see your door either....